Sunday, March 02, 2014

And the Oscar Snark Goes To...

Welcome to the 2014 Oscars, everyone. On with your regular snark.

Ellen DeGeneres comes out wearing Jerry Seinfeld's "puffy shirt."

And now, Anne Hathaway's dress:
  • Paparazzi in Anne Hathaway's dress are taking pictures of us.
  • You know who would love Anne Hathaway's dress? J.J. Abrams.
  • Anne Hathaway's dress used to be hanging above my grandmother's dining room table.
Jared Leto came as Buddy Christ.

Jim Carrey's job wasn't camera tested either. This might be the Shiniest Oscars Ever.

Bono stopped laughing really fast after Jim Carrey mentioned LSD.

The backdrop behind the presenters... at a distance, it's the blood elevator opening in The Shining; in closeup, it looks very American Beauty.

Amazingly, a Jackass movie didn't win an Oscar.

Harrison Ford came as Pirate Colonel Sanders.

Now the backdrop has gone all "rotate the pod, HAL."

Kim Novak wants to tell Bruce Wayne how she got her scar.

Whoever is controlling the microphones tonight is falling asleep on the job.

Gravity wins for Visual Effects. You think?

And now, Ellen holds a guitar for no clear reason.

The Short Film category seems like an extra Foreign Film category this year.

One of the Documentary Short Subject winning directors is wearing one of Ron Burgundy's jackets. No, scratch that. Even Ron Burgundy wouldn't wear corduroy alligator skin.

When Ellen suggests ordering pizza, Kerry Washington is all over the idea. Don't joke about food with a pregnant woman.

Yeah, these Oscars are SO SHINY!

Danny Trejo. Has that guy ever turned down a part? "No!"

Is it U2 or Nelson Mandela getting the standing ovation? (It had better be the latter.)

Gravity wins for Sound Mixing and Sound Editing. You think?

Christoph Waltz without facial hair looks a bit like Woody Allen.

As fun as it might have been to watch them bring an Oscar to Jennifer Lawrence as Ellen suggested, Lupita Nyong'o was the right choice.

Despite their falling out, Bill Murray tips the hat to Harold Ramis. Good move.

Glenn Close's intro to this year's "Dead Segment" very strategically covered "if we forgot someone this year (like we do every year), we love you too."

Couldn't they have had Bette Midler perform during the montage?

Goldie Hawn looks like the moment in The Fellowship of the Ring when you see how the One Ring would corrupt Galadriel.

John Travolta had ONE name to say: Idina Menzel. Who the hell is Adell Nazim?

Idina Menzel is rushing through "Let It Go" like she's got somewhere else to be. The poor orchestra conductor must be like "what the hell?" (And moment's later, we find out he's not even in the building.)

Great movies with great stories will blow.

Your mind.

Steven Price (composer of Gravity) has Vulcan ears.

The nice thing about being a married couple winning an Oscar together is that you can totally rehearse your acceptance speech.

Every typewriter left in California is there on the stage.

Steve McQueen has a really odd clapping technique. It's like an alien who has only heard clapping described and is trying to approximate it.

Conspicuously long shot of Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Seriously, what's with all the sparkly? It's like someone glitter bombed the Oscars.

Cate Blanchett starts strong acknowledging the other nominees in fun ways, but then the audience doesn't know whether they're supposed to applaud Woody Allen anymore.

Matthew McConaughey mentions God, and God manages to get less applause than Woody Allen. Wow.

In the end, even though Gravity won in virtually every other category for which it was nominated, the Very Important Film took home the prize.

Wow, who's sporting the prospector beard behind Steve McQueen?

It kind of undercuts the Very Important Speech for the Very Important Film when you turn around afterward and start jumping up and down.

No comments: