And the Oscar Snark Goes To...

It's Morgan Freeman! Titty sprinkles!

I'd forgotten how much I used to enjoy these Billy Crystal film montages.

His opening number was clever too. But he isn't as strong a singer anymore, and showing me Tony Bennett applauding in the audience won't convince me otherwise.

Accepting for Hugo's cinematography, the love child of Michael McDonald and Kris Kristofferson.

What's with the close-up on the envelope in Tom Hanks' hands? Do they think we'll be able to read the contents?

A horrifying tale of the perils of botox. If you have to ask who I'm talking about, you weren't watching the show.

What's with the montage of old movies? If we're already watching this show, we don't need to be convinced that movies are good. All you're doing is wasting broadcast time, and reminding us of films that were better than most of what's nominated this year.

The Oscar goes to Jennifer Lopez's and Cameron Diaz's butts.

Interesting that the makeup award went to The Iron Lady -- a tacit endorsement that the subtle job is the harder job.

Does anyone else want to see The Gargantuans now?

Adam Sandler saw Diamonds Are Forever and said, "can I please do that?" Sean Connery?

Sandra Bullock's Mandarin Chinese is captivating.

You can't assuage generations of racial guilt with one standing ovation, no matter how deserving Octavia Spencer was of her award.

Is Bradley Cooper doing a remake of Magnum P.I.?

Work with David Fincher, win an Oscar for editing. He notoriously does dozens and dozens of takes, so I suppose this is an award for sifting through all the footage.

"Hugo. No, Hugo." Little sound editor joke.

Each time we see her, Martin Scorsese's granddaughter is learning more and more that going to the Oscars is boring.

Poor Cirque performer gets only one chance to land his trick. Aw... too bad.

We don't want to watch George Clooney watch the Cirque performance, we want to watch the Cirque performance! Bad Oscar producers! Bad!

If you haven't heard that the Kodak Theater is being renamed, then half of Billy Crystal's material is not funny to you at all.

The people who won for Undefeated look and sound exactly like a bunch of football fans in tuxedos.

The piano music playing those guys off sounds like a silent serial killer is going to come for them if they don't hurry.

Looks like Gore Verbinski made the right choice directing Rango instead of Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

I think I want to unwrap Emma Stone. And it looks like the slit in the middle of her dress wants that too.

At this point, if you had the "under" on anyone associated with Hugo acknowledging the book it came from in their acceptance speech, your bet is looking good.

Put Penélope Cruz and Owen Wilson together to present. It's a nose thing.

I thought it gracious of Ludovic Bource to shake the hands of the other composer nominees. Or maybe he was just star-hobnobbing. I would in his place.

Billy Crystal has been wearing that annoying white mic all night, but when Will Ferrell and Zack Galifinakas show up in all white tuxes, they get black mics.

Hooray to Bret McKenzie for remembering to thank Jim Henson.

Angelina Jolie deliberately kicks her leg out there to say, "Yes, look at this. (I'm too skinny.)"

Way to go, The Descendants writers, for mocking the Jolie pose.

And to Jim Rash, an Oscar should go a long way toward consoling him when his brilliant show Community gets cancelled too soon.

In these "my favorite movie" montages, I appreciate people like Reese Witherspoon and Brad Pitt picking the completely non-highbrow movies they did. What if the Academy voters as a whole would be similarly honest about their tastes?

They always always always pick some hot woman to host the Technical Awards. This year, it's everybody's favorite zombie hunter/element, Milla Jovovich.

The Short Film winning father smacks his daughter about not being married in front of the entire world. Lame move, dad.

I wish I'd thought of the "Scorsese" drinking game. Though I wouldn't be able to type straight right now if I had.

The Animated Short winners win best tuxes of the night with the orange lining peeking out.

Michael Douglas is presenting his award from the aquarium.

I would so have loved it if someone accepting for The Artist had written an acceptance speech on cards and just flashed them to the camera.

After the Golden Globes, Meryl Streep makes a big presentation showing that yes, she has her glasses.

That is a truly powerful afro.

Wait, I didn't hear Whitney Houston had died!

Apparently, Peter Graves didn't die last year.

The "actors give tributes to the nominees" moments from the last few Oscars were well loved by viewers... but it's just not working for me at all to have one person (Natalie Portman and then Colin Firth, in this case) do it for all the nominees. It was the personal connections to the nominees that made it work before. (Which is why the presentations that worked best were the ones Portman gave to her former co-star, Gary Oldman, and Firth to his former co-stars, Meryl Streep and Michelle Williams.)

The man accepting The Artist Oscar is the French love child of Peter Lorre.

And there you have it, folks!