Creepy Old Dolly

Remakes can have a certain reputation in film and television, but it's an entirely different matter in the theater. It's not like you can go out and see a classic play or musical any time you want. And the countless stagings and re-stagings around the world all have a different character anyway, given all the different people involved in making them. You can even stage an older piece in a new way deliberately meant to make a new point.

Yet I'm befuddled as to how a national tour of the 1960s Broadway hit Hello, Dolly became a thing.

I mean, I know the time line. The original production made Carol Channing a star and broke the record for longest-running Broadway show. Revivals over the years saw her return to the role, and gave other famous Hollywood women a reason to head to New York. This particular production is touring because in 2017, a Broadway revival was staged with Bette Midler, winning several Tonys and starting the cycle all over again.

What I mean is, I don't understand what about this musical is worth reviving. Hello, Dolly feels like an archaic curiosity, 50 years out of date at least. It has the absolute minimum amount of plot to serve as a framework: a busybody matchmaker has decided to make a match for herself; mixups and minor obstacles befall a series of couples on their way to the expected happily (?) ever after. It's terribly sexist, and while moments in this revival production try to wink and convince the audience it's knowably, lovably this way, the persuasion is rarely effective.

There are a couple of catchy songs in the show, admittedly, though they are all crafted in a very old-timey way. Giant chorus groups. Rigid verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure to be sure the audience picks up the melody. Hold for applause, then exit the stage singing a quick reprise of the number you just finished. It's a formula that was old when this play was new, and it's strictly observed.

There are, admittedly, some pretty crazy sets in this show. With almost each scene change, you're presented a fully realized environment. The cumulative total of it is an engineering and technical feat that leaves you wondering how it was all stored backstage. It and the costumes collaborate in a pastel dreamscape (or nightmare, depending on your tastes) that's constantly showing you where your ticket money was spent. It's loud, brazen... and yes, maybe (occasionally) fun.

But you can get big song-and-dance numbers in just about every touring Broadway musical. Why this one? The jokes land with a thud, the story lacks any kind of resonance with the modern world, most people today haven't seen it (so it's not like they're revisiting it fondly), and at least some of the songs seem oddly interchangeable with Christmas music standards. (At least two different songs both sound strangely like "We Need a Little Christmas" -- which a little Googling tells me comes from a different musical from the same composer.)

The performance I attended drew thunderous applause, so clearly mine is an outlier opinion here. Sure, the elaborate second act restaurant sequence had impressive choreography. Sure, the star performer Jessica Sheridan (filling in for headliner Betty Buckley) did a great job channeling Bette Midler, Ethel Merman, and others in various moments. But overall, it felt like this production gave me little that any other production couldn't give better. I give Hello, Dolly a D+. If it swings into your town, I'd choose something else for a night out at the theater.