Forgotten Island

When I last visited Orlando (about two years ago), Universal Studios had opened a new ride tied to their then-upcoming movie, Kong: Skull Island. I rode the ride, but never saw the movie... until recently. Set in the 1970s, Skull Island follows an expedition on its journey to a strange island shrouded in storms. Giant monsters ensue.

I'd like to think I didn't have high hopes for this film. Certainly, it made no pretense of what it was going to be, and I tried to meet it at that place. Whatever expectations I had, this movie slid under them like a limbo champ.

Let's start with the visual effects and the action, because that's what we're all here to see. If those were solid, much could be forgiven with the rest. But the action is pretty stupid and mindless throughout, with characters behaving in steadfastly idiotic ways to foment jeopardy. And the CG is decidedly mixed. Some of it is quite good. Other times, beasts move around with little sense of actual weight, through an environment that rings manifestly false.

Plot-wise, the film is even more of a mess. It tries to be a Vietnam war allegory, set in the 1970s and populated with brazen military characters who have no idea the shit they're about to get into. Just in case you somehow missed the message, every cliche song you've ever heard in a Vietnam war movie is part of the soundtrack -- from Jefferson Airplane to Black Sabbath, and of course Creedence Clearwater Revival (more than once!). It's quite self-defeating, when the movie is trying to show you amazing and breathtaking wonders, to foster a backdrop that screams "you've seen this dozens of times before."

The biggest disasters of all are the characters. Tom Hiddleston plays a decidedly passive hero, who doesn't actually do anything especially heroic until 90 minutes into a two hour movie. John Goodman is wasted in a one-note "god, what have I done?" scientist role. Brie Larson is forgettable (though her big blockbuster moment is hopefully yet to come, in Captain Marvel).

There are only two people here who make any impression at all. Samuel L. Jackson has fun in a Captain Ahab role, only because this is not his first time at the Bad Movie Rodeo, and he knows how to have fun no matter what the script looks like. Then there's scene stealer John C. Reilly, whose comic relief is the only character with much of anything actually written for them on the page.

I might be able to extract 10-15 decent minutes of material from the film, and as such I suppose I wouldn't rate it at the very bottom of the barrel. Still, to be quite clear, no one should waste their time on this. I give Kong: Skull Island a D+.