"Best" Picture

A few months ago, I wrote that The Substance was the movie that may have finally broken me of needing to see Oscar-nominated movies just because they're Oscar-nominated. Well... it turns out that was just the first blow of a one-two punch that might have cured me of needing to see Oscar-winning movies as well. The year's Best Picture winner, Anora, hit streaming recently. I decided to watch it and see what all the fuss was about. And I still have no idea.

Anora (who goes by Ani) is a young stripper who one night, because she speaks Russian, is tapped to entertain Vanya, the son of a Russian oligarch. Vanya begins hiring Anora outside of her club with increasing frequency -- and soon, the two get married in Las Vegas. But this rash action brings down the wrath of Vanya's parents, who send in goons to detain the couple and annul the marriage.

I've heard Anora described as Pretty Woman crossed with The Godfather -- though I struggle to see how a fan of either would like the combination here. If you're up for the light rags-to-riches story of a sex worker clawing out a new life for herself, I think you'll find neither enough "rom" or "com" in Anora. The movie has moments that seem to be intended as dark comedy -- but even if they make you laugh, they would seem like curdled milk next to the bubbly champagne of a typical feel-good romance.

The first 40 minutes of the film feel like borderline pornography, as Mikey Madison secures herself a Best Actress Oscar seemingly by a willingness to be even more naked, simulating even more sex, than when Emma Stone won for Poor Things in the previous year. And at no point does any genuine romance appear to blossom between Ani and Vanya. I don't think it's supposed to... and yet the rest of the movie seems to turn on Ani's investment in the relationship, not merely what she gets out of it.

If I'm dubious of what the rom-com audience would make of Anora, I'm even more skeptical about what fans of gangster films would find here. Bear in mind, please, that gangster stories in general usually leave me cold. (I'm one of the few heretics who dislikes all the Godfather films as much as most people seem to hate Part III.) I imagine much of the appeal stems from the intersection of violence and domestic life, the sense that criminal danger is a true threat at any moment. (At least, that's what I feel in the handful of stories that do work for me, like Breaking Bad.)

I felt an odd lack of danger in Anora. I grew too bored to keep close track, but I believe there's not a single gun anywhere in the film. Of course, violence can take other forms -- and in particular, brutish men don't need a gun to menace a vulnerable woman. But at no point does Anora ever really come off as a vulnerable woman. Maybe that should be seen as a credit to both the character and the movie. And yet once the "gangster" section of the story kicks in, it takes only minutes for it to become clear that even in situations where Anora isn't in control, she isn't in any danger. While I'd like to think I'm not looking for only the cheap thrills of danger in this movie, I would like some source of suspense or tension in the ensuing hour-and-a-half.

Instead, I found Anora to be deeply boring at best, actively off-putting at worse. (Seriously, what's with the repeated homophobic slurs that don't do anything to further plot or differentiate characters?) By the time the end credits mercifully arrived, I was sure I'd watched what had to be the worst Academy Award Best Picture winner I'd ever seen. Although a moment's reflection made me realize, "nope, I've seen The English Patient," the fact remains that it's close competition.

I don't usually make time these days to blog about entertainment I dislike. But I figure I have to make an exception for an Academy Award-winning Best Picture. And because I wish others had been blunt enough to have saved me the two hours and 20 minutes, I'll mince no more words. I give Anora an F.