Enterprise Flashback: A Night in Sickbay

Enterprise was created by Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, and the two wrote a large portion of the episodes during the first two seasons. I wonder if in fact they were writing so many of the scripts that they were starting to get bored of it. At least, I wonder what other explanation could account for "A Night in Sickbay," an episode where they seemingly just decided to just troll everyone.

When Porthos falls critically ill after tagging along on an away mission, Archer spends a long, fraught night at his side in Sickbay, as Phlox tries all sorts of methods to restore his health.

This episode trolls the audience by putting Porthos (the best character on Enterprise) in jeopardy for cheap theatrics. Either you never believe that Enterprise would actually kill the dog, in which case this is a true waste of an hour... or you actually believe these monsters would kill the dog for the sake of a one-off episode, in which case any trust you might have been extending the writers is lost. Meanwhile, all the dog lovers in the audience have to see Porthos forlorn and abandoned in the decon chamber, desperately hugging Archer's surgical glove for any bit of physical contact he can get, and ghoulishly submerged in water.

The episode trolls anyone who until this point has tried to defend Archer as a well-intentioned starship captain finding his way. Here, he's a clueless Karen of a dog owner who lets Porthos pee on a sacred tree and then can't understand how this has caused a problem. (What if some alien creature came aboard Enterprise and took a dump on the warp core?) Archer whines about how hard it is to be diplomatic, yells at everyone who points out this whole crisis is entirely of his own making... and Phlox tells us he's probably this way just because he needs to get laid.

The episode trolls the entire cast of the show. Dominic Keating and Anthony Montgomery are only brought in to stand around for a few seconds in Archer's dream sequence. John Billingsley has to dangle a giant origami crane on a stick as he makes weird screeching noises. Linda Park and Jolene Blalock once again endure the indignity of rubbing goo on each other in the decon chamber.

And poor Scott Bakula. He has to deliver the line that "Starfleet didn't send us out here to humiliate ourselves" as he stands in his underwear and smears goo on a dog. He has to manufacture sexual chemistry with one of his co-stars out of nowhere, after 30 episodes of the show have suggested nothing of the kind between the characters. He has to deliver Freudian slips like "breast" and "lips." And he has to go shirtless, drape beads on his head, and wield a chainsaw -- all intended to look as ridiculous as it sounds.

The episode trolls the entire production department. Props has to come up with fake beagles to perform surgery on. Set construction has to come up with a graveyard for a few seconds of screen time in a ridiculous dream sequence. Visual effects has to use CG to depict Phlox scraping his tongue and a bat swooping around Sickbay. Paul Baillargeon is made to compose some of the most over-the-top music yet heard on the show, just to make any of this seem interesting.

This episode feel like it trolls reality itself. Are we really now being expected to "ship" Archer and T'Pol as a romantic couple? To believe that Archer, a person with no medical experience at all, should assist in a major surgery on his own dog? And that he thinks it's a good idea to engage Phlox in distracting conversation while doing it?

There would be absolutely no redeeming qualities to this episode whatsoever, were it not for the Herculean efforts of John Billingsley. Phlox is very much the "Neelix" of this Star Trek series, but the writers have at least done Phlox the favor of writing a competent character with actual skills. That gives more room for the clowning around, which Billingsley is excellent at. This episode is written as though it's funny, when largely it's just silly without actually generating laughs. But Billingsley is the exception, who somehow makes entertaining Phlox's weird quirks from public toenail trimming to Frankenstein-like surgical ideas. He even nails the closest thing this episode gets to a "moral," a conversation near the end of the episode about cultural insensitivity. John Billingsley as Phlox doesn't make this episode good, but he does at least make it watchable.

Other observations:

• Nope. I'm tapped out. What were they thinking?

John Billingsley is so good that I'm actually going to give "A Night in Sickbay" a C-. But make no mistake, this is the worst episode of Enterprise to date, and I feel embarrassed for the people who made it.

Grade C-