Bloody Awful

Earlier this week, I went to see My Bloody Valentine 3D. I wasn't expecting much. What I really wasn't expecting was my reaction. I think this might be the worst movie I've ever actually enjoyed.

The movie itself is just terrible. While most of the lead actors make the most they can out of a bad script, the minor roles are populated with actors who in some cases don't even rate above high school theater. Two old cops that open up the movie are laughably awful in their stilted delivery of horrendous dialogue, and things don't improve much after that.

The script is shoddy. In an attempt to build a whodunnit mystery and cast suspicion on the characters, nearly all the major characters are written to be various degrees of unlikable. You can't root for the sheriff, because he's cheating on his wife. You can't root for the guy returning to town after a decade away, because he's come to ruin the town's livelihood by selling the local mine. And so on down the line.

There's a prolonged scene of nudity that so redefines "gratuitous" as to be preposterous. I defy you not to laugh. Assuming you're not flat out offended.

And the big "twist" at the end is spoiled back in the first act. A shrewd moviegoer can infer from a few particular cinematic clues exactly what is going to be revealed in the final minutes of the film.

But...

Then there's that 3D element. Decades from now, when one can assume all manner of movies will be presented in 3D, anyone who looks back on this movie will find basically nothing of any redeeming value in it. But for today, right now, it's pretty incredible. Sure, there have been other movies to make use of the newer "Real D" technology -- any number of CG-animated movies, a host of IMAX documentaries, and so forth. But strangely, I have to say that this movie had a better command than anything I've seen before on how to use the 3D elements to their best effect.

The film was thoroughly seasoned with well-crafted camera angles and "gags" designed to show off the 3D. Even more than that, moments not so "manufactured" managed to deliver some pretty amazing visuals. Simple aerial shots of the town suddenly sprang to life with layer after layer of scope. The people who processed this movie for 3D knew what they were doing. It's just a shame they did it in the service of something so awful.

As I said earlier, the few leads did the best they could with bad material, and that was just enough for me to rate the movie a D- and not an F. But the experience somehow elevated the whole experience even farther -- all the way to a C-, I'd say.

Basically, my review is this: if you like horror movies, go see this movie in a theater now, where you can watch it in 3D. Otherwise, don't ever see this movie.