Saturday, May 09, 2009

Unfortunate Event

A friend recently persuaded me to watch the movie Event Horizon. I hadn't heard very good things about the film, but I decided I'd give it a try anyway.

In retrospect, I should have made my friend "sell me" a whole lot harder, because this movie was everything bad I'd heard about it and then some.

Set 40 years in the future (50, at the time it was made), it tells the tale of a rescue ship dispatched to the planet Neptune to recover a spacecraft that went missing years earlier during the testing of a space-time warping form of propulsion. Strange and horrific events befall the rescuers from the moment they board the derelict, as the truth of where the ship has been all these years unfolds.

Neat setup, if a bit cliché. Unfortunately, that's only the beginning of a list of clichés so long, it feels as though the script was dealt from a deck of Sci-Fi Plot cards. Stealing from Alien, The Black Hole, 2001, The Shining, and a half dozen other superior movies, while offering nothing new or unique of its own, this movie comes off all the worse for trying to stand of the shoulders of greater movies.

Every decision in both the writing and design of the film was made solely with an eye toward what would "look cool," and whenever that flew in the face of logic (as it often does), so be it. A ship with sharp, spiky objects all over the interior on which its crew might easily be impaled? Sure. A strange distress call in Latin that no one bothers to translate before sending the rescue ship? What's your problem? Venting oxygen from your space suit to propel yourself from high Neptune orbit down into its atmosphere in a matter of minutes? I don't see what you're getting at.

The movie is as much a failure on a horror-thriller level as it is on a science fiction level. The movie never met a cheap trick it didn't like. Music stings, jump cuts, loud noises, spiraling cameras, Dutch angles... even a ham-fisted Vertigo zoom. There's an endless procession of moments to make you jump, but never a second of genuine suspense.

Laurence Fishburne, Sam Neill, and Kathleen Quinlan lead the cast. You'd expect good work from these actors, and they do give it their all. But mostly, you're just left wondering how even one of them could have been coerced into appearing in this movie. It couldn't have looked any better on the page than it did on the screen.

I can say only one good thing about the movie. Because they made all their decisions based on what would look good (rather than what would make sense), it's a very pretty movie, in a dark and moody way. The CG is laughable, even just a decade later, but the sets and lighting look fantastic. The "emperor" has clothes, as it were, and nothing else.

I rate Event Horizon a D-, and I feel almost generous in that.

7 comments:

Roland Deschain said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA
AHAHHAHAHHAHHAHA!!!!!!

Sucker.

Maybe we didn't make the "It's a haunted ship" joke clear enough.

Or maybe we should have warned you that it was by Paul W.S. Anderson - the acclaimed director of such masterpieces as "Mortal Kombat", "Aliens vs. Predator", "Soldier", and "Resident Evil."

(Noting that I'm soooo NOT the person who recommended this.) ;-)

I hope you had a good palate cleanser afterwards! :D

Jason said...

I have a weird memory of this one because I saw it in 1997 with Chris Swearingen (remember him?) and a friend of his who had come up for the Trek regional in Virginia Beach. The store was just two blocks from where I lived, so they spent the night at my apartment. We went to see this movie last night and I remember Chris's friend being scared shitless by it.

I was only 23 at the time and I thought it was pretty cool, but I imagine my opinion would change if I re-watched it.

Cush1978 said...

I caught this movie on cable flipping channels back in college so it'd have been the mid to late '90s. I remember being interested enough to watch it, but I don't remember much about it. I've always wanted to see it again, but you've pushed it down the priority list!

Was Chris Swearingen the really tall blond haired guy from NC? I vaguely remember meeting him at DragonCon '97. Unless I'm thinking of someone totally different.

Jason said...

Yep, that was him, but I think he was from a little further south...Alabama or Mississippi, maybe.

My favorite memory, though, is of being in a meeting with Carol when his name came up. She said, "Oh, I remember him. He's nice." I agreed, and she corrected me -- "No, I mean, he's niiiiiiiice."

I got a little creeped out...

Cush1978 said...

OK, so I'm thinking of the right guy. I guess I thought it was NC because he knew Tim E. before Decipher. As for Carol, well, look at what she settled for...and what it got her! :)

Unknown said...

I can only think of two people who would have actually recommended this movie... to which I have to say "Bad Coley! Bad MonkeyDiver!"

************************************
******** spoiler alert ************
***********************************

It isn't a haunted ship, it is a possessed ship. Apparently there is a world of difference to the horror aficionados, but to me it means lazy crappy writing.

Also, I am all the more offended now that you gave Watchmen an F if you gave this piece of crap a D-.

:o)

Sangediver said...

I don't remember recommending it. I didn't hate, it but not sure I would have pushed anyone to see this.

Of course, my memory is old and banana-riddled...