Bachelor Party

Yesterday was a double-header bachelor party for my friend who is getting married next weekend. "Phase one" was a 10:30am tee time at the local golf course, where a group of us played 9 holes. Including me. Yes, gentle readers, I did something vaguely physical and outdoorsy.

I'd never been golfing before. My grandfather has taken me to a driving range once, many years ago, but I didn't show any particular aptitude for it. It was nice, being with the group I was with yesterday, though. None of us were that stellar, though we all had a moment of glory or two. We played "best ball," with each player hitting from the same location as whichever player hit best on the previous stroke. It saved some frustration and embarassment, and generally ensured we all had a good time. I know I did, surprisingly enough.

The only down side of that part of the party was the extreme heat. I know, everyone all over the US is bitching about how hot it's been. But I have a fun illustration to show just how damn hot it was yesterday morning. Coming off the sixth hole yesterday, we saw this poor bunny, collapsed in the shadow of a tree, too hot and tired basically to even be a bunny.



"Phase two" of the party began in the evening, and was a group Hold'Em tournament, basically organized by me since I was the one who knew how to do it. Also a really good time.

I went out fourth, right on the bubble of where we'd decided to distribute the money. I had Q8s in the big blind, and it was checked around to me with only one opponent taking the flop. The flop came Q-K-8, rainbow. I checked my two pair, digging a hole and putting the tree branches over it. My opponent in position bets in. I raise. He calls. 4 on the turn. I bet it out. My opponent raises to put me all in. I call. We reveal the cards. He has pocket As. My Q8 is sitting pretty... until an A comes on the river and busts me out. Disappointing, but you can't ask for more than to have all your money in with the best hand. 8 out of 46 cards could beat me, and one came. Also, the player who busted me out was the man-of-the-hour, the groom himself, who went on to win the whole tournament. Probably all the way it should have gone anyway.

The wedding is next Saturday... in Michigan. Bride and groom both live here in Colorado, but her family is in Michigan, and that's where they've decided to have the ceremony. So I've got a trek coming up in the second half of this week. (And yes, the blog will be out of commission for a few days, but I'll remind everyone when we get there.)

So Far, 14 Down

You've probably noticed that Battlestar Galactica has changed its opening sequence from the first season. This year, they're using different theme music (the theme from the season one UK broadcasts of the show, actually). They've eliminated the "clips of this week's episode" montage. And they've added some text summarizing the plot of the series.

Of particular interest is the listed number of survivors of the colonies' destruction -- because it is both accurate and being maintained on a weekly basis. It was actually my friend, watching last week's episode at my place, who first noticed this very cool touch on the new opening credits. (With the first episode still on my TiVo, I was able to quickly go back and verify this.)

There was one death during the season premiere, and at the start of episode two, the number had dropped accordingly. Episode two brought the Cylon rampage on board Galactica, and tonight's update to the count informed us that the death toll (including the death on the surface of Kobol) was 12. Tonight, another life was taken, so you can expect next week's intro to reduce the number accordingly.

It's all in the details... something that Galactica consistently gets right.

The "Out of Context Quote of the Day"

Perhaps a new semi-regular feature on the blog?

From a co-worker today: "I just have to hold it between my knees and hope I don't spill any on my crotch."

He was referring to the lack of cup holders in his Geo Metro.

Act Now While Supplies Last

Since I know there are a few of you reading this in the Norfolk area that love Macintosh computers, I thought I'd share this story. (Second related link here.) Apparently, the school district is selling off used iBooks for $50 a piece on August 9th. Mark your calendar if you want in.

Ours Go to Eleven

Okay, not that I usually pay much attention to this sort of thing, but the other night, my bag of Doritos was sitting "Nutrition Facts" side up, and I see that apparently, the suggested Doritos "serving size" is 11 chips. 11 chips??? Now, assuming that a person is going to start eating Doritos in the first place, who stops at 11 chips? I think pretty much only a person that only has 11 chips left in the bag.

For Relaxing Times...

...make it Santorum time. (Okay, I admit. I'm really stretching on that one. Plus, if you haven't seen Lost in Translation, it doesn't make any sense anyway.)

Okay, so I'm about to break my "personal blogging guideline #1" here. Although I'm totally in keeping with "how to blog rule #13." Ah, what a paradox. Anyway... enough preamble.

Pennsylvania senator (and, for much of the left, a general poster child about what is wrong with the right) Rick Santorum was the guest on last night's episode of The Daily Show, plugging his new book. It was the second time in two weeks, following last week's interview with Bernard Goldberg, where Jon Stewart has gone after his guest, and I find it very interesting.

When Jon Stewart appeared on Crossfire last year, he was accused of "going easy" on his interview subjects, John Kerry being a notable example. At the time, Jon Stewart replied (and rightly so), that his show is a comedy show. His job is to make people laugh, not deliver hard-hitting interviews.

And yet, in these two recent interviews, it seems he's had a change of heart on that position. I mean, he still cracks jokes, but right after a punchline, he goes right back to digging at his guest. (Not in a "Crossfire" style, heavens forbid, but seemingly in search of real dialogue.) I wonder if Stewart has really gone after these two guys because their conservative stances sit so far in opposition to his own? Or if he's finally decided not to wait around for the media to do its job better? In other words, I'm asking if this new side of Jon Stewart only came out for a "special occasion," or if -- along with the new set -- The Daily Show itself is going to shift ever so slightly and try to offer some legitimate discourse.

Stay tuned for the answer, I suppose.

In the meantime, enjoy this link, which is actually the first link offered when you perform a Google search for "Santorum."

There's a New Sheriff In Town

Among the brilliant-but-cancelled TV series missing from my DVD collection, one in particular has stood out as needing to be released by the studio as soon as possible. Well, last week, the word came down that I only have to wait until October 25th for that wish to be granted. American Gothic will soon be on DVD. Hooray!

Huzzah!

Today saw the return of an old tradition for me. An Olde Tradition, you might say -- the Colorado Renaissance Festival. For eight weeks every summer, the town of Larkspur Colorado (noted for being halfway between Colorado Springs and Denver and, well, for hosting the Renaissance Festival) hosts this long-standing event. It hardly changes at all from year to year, but hey -- for a once a year thing, it's quite a lot of fun. I had not been for seven years, having missed it the summer I moved to Virginia and (of course) every summer since. But now I'm back, and so it was time for the RenFest.

Seven years and, just as would have wished for, it hadn't really changed. Ded Bob was still there, bonking rule breakers on the head. The same joust script was being followed, with the crowds chanting the same cheers.

And the "Vegetable Justice" booth was still there, challenging people to hit a master insult artist with a tomato. ($5 for 6 throws.) The man hurling the insults today was a true master of his craft.


For the fat: "Is it hard throwing food away from your face?"

For the "butch man," trying to throw too hard: "Keep throwing like that so we won't know how small your penis is."

For the incredibly short guy: "Shouldn't you be off guarding a pot of gold somewhere?"

For the petite, wimpy-armed woman: "It's okay, it's probably hard to throw wearing a training bra."

For the precocious child that tried to "counter-insult" as he threw: "You know, I was almost your father, but the dog beat me up the stairs."

And on and on. We stood near the booth, watching in awe of this guy's verbal skill for nearly 45 minutes. He never repeated an insult once. And though of course much of what he said had to have been coming from a vast "playbook" he'd built up, he displayed improvisational skill as well.

When the fat man in the neon orange t-shirt stepped up: "You look like an enormous traffic cone."

When a man who'd been hurling fastballs had a poorly thrown final shot that went near the arm instead: "Oh, at the end you went all soft and aimed for the wrong hole."

If this guy's still there next summer, I might have to make a second trip to the festival just to sit and watch him all day.

I See Dead Meeples

Tonight, I played the newest expansion for the popular (and Spiel des Jahres winning) game Carcassonne -- The Princess and the Dragon. Folks... this is not the Carcassonne you know. This expansion changes a fundamental aspect of the game, the answer to the question I hear many newbies ask about Carcassonne: "is there a way to remove other players' followers from the board?" With P&D, the answer is now "yes."

Six "volcano" tiles each cause the "Dragon marker" to be placed on top of them. 12 other tiles (I'll call them "rampage tiles") then pause normal play and start the dragon roaming. The player placing the rampage tile makes the first move, moving the dragon horizontally or vertically adjacent to its current location. Players proceed clockwise, each moving the dragon once (but never moving the dragon to a tile it has already visited this rampage) until it has reached a dead end or has moved six times. (Because the dragon moves six times, some players may move it more than once in a given rampage.) Every tile the dragon rampages to, it eats all the followers on that tile and sends them back to their owners' stashes.

A "fairy" piece also joins the game. Any time you place a tile but do not place any followers, you may move the fairy to the same tile as one of your followers already on the board. The fairy: 1) protects you from the dragon, which cannot enter the fairy's space; 2) scores you 1 point at the beginning of each of your turns if she's with your follower; and 3) scores you 3 points if a feature (road, city, cloister, or farm) is scored on the tile on which she stands.

As for the Princess... she appears on 6 tiles, all city tiles. When you place a princess tile into a city that already has followers, you do not place any follower on the tile -- instead, you choose one follower in the city to dismiss back to its owner's stash.

And finally, just to balance out all the follower death just a bit, there are 6 "magic portal" tiles. When you play such a tile, you may choose instead of placing a follower on it to place a follower anywhere on the board. You still can't place a follower on a feature that already has another follower on it. You also can't place into an already-completed feature (scoring a finished road, city, or cloister, for example). But otherwise, you can jump into something promising, or return a follower to the location of earlier dragon/princess carnage.

I have to give it another few tries before I try to give it my review. I just know it makes the strategy of Carcassone completely different. I nearly finished dead last on the score track, and I can't remember the last time that happened to me playing Carcassonne. But for those who might have wished for more mayhem and destruction in Carcassonne, you'll probably want to check it out.

Revisiting the Top 100

I had a couple friends over to watch Battlestar Galactica with me tonight, and afterwards we somehow got on the subject of Moulin Rouge and decided to watch it. I love this movie more every time I see it. Currently, Moulin Rouge occupies the #9 slot on my top 100 list, but after watching it again tonight, I believe I'm going to have to move it even higher. It pains me more than I can express that the next movie Ewan McGregor made after it was Attack of the Clones.

Actually, it's now been over a year since I first made my top 100 list, and only three or four films have cracked their way in since I created it. But there has been enough time and distance for me to now want to go back and look it over, and check if everything still falls in the place I think it should. I plan to do that in the near future, and after making any corrections, "re-unveil" my top 100 list to everyone.

Stay tuned.

Thank Gods It's Friday

How good is Battlestar Galactica? So good that they can do an episode like tonight's that essentially doesn't advance the plot in any way, and I still absolutely love it. By the end of tonight's episode, Starbuck and Helo are still stranded on Caprica, Commander Adama is still in critical condition, President Roslin is still under arrest, Apollo is still facing court martial, the team on Kobol is still in jeopardy, Baltar is not much closer to understanding Six's talk of their child, and Boomer isn't even seen on screen... and yet the episode is still loaded with amazing character moments, tension, and all-around entertainment. The people who work on Galactica know how to do it right.

Overused Underscore

I think there are a few songs that need to be retired from cinema. They each get used multiple times a year, in films, in trailers, in commercials. Some of them are wonderful pieces of music; others were never that great to start with. But they all have been used so many times, I'm sick of hearing them, and I think they ought to be put to sleep.

Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing) -- As fun as this song is, there are other swing tunes to choose from. In fact, my fanatical swing-dancing friend informed me once that this isn't even that popular a swing number because it's too damn long. You pretty much have to dance it in shifts with other dancers because no one has the stamina to make it through from beginning to end. What's worse, this song shows up quite a bit even in contexts that have nothing to do with swing music. Anyone remember that Chips Ahoy commercial from a few years ago?

This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) -- Are you making a romantic comedy with just a hint of female empowerment? By law, if you don't include this song in your movie, you have to at least put it in your trailer.

Sweet Home Alabama -- This is the standard song to set up that your main characters are "good ol' boy" country hicks. This song peaked when they actually made a movie named after it. But when it appeared in the movie Sahara -- not even set on the same continent as Alabama, never mind in the same country -- it had officially worn out its (limited) welcome.

The Girl From Ipanema -- This song really needs to be retired, because it serves double duty. It's the go-to song both for "stereotypical elevator music" and underscoring seduction scenes.

O Fortuna -- Carl Orff's Carmina Burana is, I think, an exceptional work. And the introductory song, O Fortuna, is one of the best parts of it. But enough is enough. Surely there must be one other song, somewhere, that can convey demonic presence, life-threatening danger, and descent into moral decay.

You may say I'm foolish to think that Hollywood would ever drop "tried and true" in favor of something actually creative. And in this summer loaded with remakes and sequels, you'd have a compelling case. But songs have been retired from film before. In the late 80s, there seemed to be a mandate that if you made an even vaguely comedic movie, you had to include a scene set to Yello's Oh Yeah. Hollywood managed to get over that and the song hasn't been seen in film since.

Come on! You can do it again!

Great Scott

Early this morning, James Doohan died of pneumonia and Alzheimer's Disease.

I would argue that the character of Scotty is the most widely known in all of Star Trek. Sure, Spock makes a big impact with his pointed ears and Vulcan salute, and "live long and prosper" is universally known among geeks. McCoy's "he's dead, Jim" is also a well-known catch phrase from the original series. But even non-geeks, people who have never seen a single episode of Star Trek (yes, hard to imagine, but there are such people) have very likely heard the phrase "beam me up, Scotty" and know that its a reference from Star Trek.

Of the four "minor" characters of the original cast, Scotty certainly registered the strongest to me. I truly don't think the writers gave him any more to do than Sulu, Chekov, or Uhura, but James Doohan took what he was given and created an inspiring and memorable character.

Of course, he will be remembered long after his death. Despite the best efforts of Paramount (and Rick Berman and Brannon Braga) to kill Star Trek, it's not going to fade from memory any time soon.

I raise my glass (of Scotch, of course) to James Doohan.

Hail Burton-ia!

I made it out to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight, and absolutely loved it. I give it an enthusiastic A.

It is just absolutely demented and delightful from the very first frame. The script is wonderfully twisted and slightly disturbing at times. (Whoever would have expected talk of cannibalism in a children's movie?) I snickered the very first time someone opened the slanted funhouse door of Charlie's family's house, and it only got better from there. And Johnny Depp is brilliant, once again displaying the masterful character creation that got him an Oscar nomination for what should have been simple "summer blockbuster fluff," Pirates of the Caribbean.

Inevitably, you'll ask me to compare this to the Gene Wilder version, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And here's where I have to confess -- I've never seen it. Well, not entirely. Seems like they're running the thing on cable all the time. I've caught 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there -- enough to know some of the big moments coming in this version (blowing up like a blueberry, the glass elevator, etc.). But I don't have any "fond childhood memory" of the old incarnation to be comparing this new one to. Which perhaps lends credence to the theory I've now heard from more than one person: that people who saw the original as kids are remaining partial to that version.

In any case, CatCF has become the first movie this year to crack its way onto my top 100 movie list. (I'm withholding Serenity from the list until I see the finished cut.) It was a close call, sneaking in at #98, but it still made it.

Sorry, Death and the Maiden, you've now been ousted from the list. Lookout Fellowship of the Ring, you're next to go.

Memory Lane

I've been watching the first season of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, which came out on DVD not long ago. I always did enjoy the show, a fact which I'm sure some of you will find contradictory, given my general disdain for comic books and superheroes.

The thing is, my major complaint with most comics (superheroes in particular) is that I don't find the characters compelling. I feel that the stories told really don't have anything to do with making a character face something personal. They're just "situations" which the hero resolves by the final page. There are exceptions to this formula, and typically, those are the stories I embrace... the newest Batman movie and the Spider-man movies being fine examples of this.

Lois and Clark, despite having all the trappings of superheroness, was fundamentally a series very much along the lines of Moonlighting. A strong man and woman who don't quite always get along, but are great together. Will they or won't they get together? (One could argue that, like Moonlighting, the series started to go downhill when they ultimately did.)

Anyway, in watching these episodes of Lois and Clark, I've been particularly struck by Teri Hatcher's performance as Lois Lane. See, for the past year, I've come to know her mainly as klutzy Susan on Desperate Housewives. She's sort of like the pratfall, egg-on-the-face version of Kim Bauer, bounding from one disaster to another, just without the life-threatening elements. And even though I've laughed at these moments quite a lot (her literally burning down the house, her karoake rendition of "New York, New York," etc.), I've still ultimately found her the least interesting of the four main women on the show. There's whole heaping helpings of nuance to Bree's stories, and considerable depth going on with Gabrielle and Lynette. But Susan is often there only for comic relief. And now that I'm reminded how good Teri Hatcher was on Lois and Clark, I feel her material on Desperate Housewives is quite a disservice to her.

Then again, considering she's already won a Golden Globe and Screen Actor's Guild Award for Desperate Housewives (and is the likely woman to beat for the upcoming Emmys), maybe she doesn't mind so much.

The Secret is Safe Here

The "replies" thread of my Harry Potter post below has become awash in spoilers I know I would not have wanted to know before finishing the book. So, if you are trying to remain spoiler free (and you should -- be strong!), I offer this post as a place you can reply in non-spoilery fashion.

Hogwarts, Year Six

I've just finished the newest Harry Potter book. (For those who haven't, you can read another paragraph or two of this post before any spoilers -- I'll warn you.) In short, I think there's a reason these books are so damn popular: they live up to the hype, as so few things in entertainment manage to do.

For those who felt books 4 and 5 were overlong and desperately in need of editing, I will concede that point. Book 6 is shorter and tighter, though it does still have a bit of fluff here and there. (Chapter One, for example -- totally unnecessary.)

Still, by the time I'd reached the end, I'd decided this book was my favorite of the six so far. To get into why, I have to get just a tiny bit SPOILERY, though, so this is your last chance to turn away.

In short, I felt this book was the "Empire Strikes Back" of the Harry Potter books. It's quite dark and very adult for what is said to be a "children's book." (Children may love the series, but their parents buy them because they offer even more to the adults, I think.) Book 6 ends on a quite down note and, more or less, with a cliffhanger. The stage is basically set for book 7.

In what... maybe 2007 sometime? Too bad it takes only two days to enjoy the culmination of a two year wait. (Even less time if you're Kathy.)

Sunday TV Roundup

It's a good thing Battlestar Galactica is finally back, because otherwise, all the TV worth watching would be piled up only on Sunday right now.

Six Feet Under provided its usual quotient of "cringe because these situations are so awful" moments. (Don't get me wrong -- they're the reason I watch the show.) Nate and Brenda not just drifting farther apart, but rocketing away from each other at a breakneck pace. Ruth practically determined to be unhappy no matter what situation she puts/finds herself in. Vanessa essentially prostituting herself just to have help around the house. Claire losing a little piece of her soul every time she hears "yeah baby!"

Lots of quality 80s humor on Family Guy tonight. References to Corey Haim, The Goonies, The Neverending Story... but hands down, the biggest belly laugh of the night was Chris stepping into the A-ha video -- complete with creepy pencil thugs with tire irons chasing him.

Then there was The 4400, a very bizarre riff on the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Future Imperfect" (with just a dash of "The Inner Light"). Not a bad episode, but also total "filler" as far as the main plot goes. Still, we did get the great analogy "I'm like a cell phone or TiVo... once you have me, you can't imagine life without me." (Well, I still think cell phones are evil... but oh, how I love you, TiVo.)

Speaking (circumspectly) of Star Trek, The Dead Zone had its eighth or ninth episode with a title taken from a Star Trek episode. ("Heroes and Demons" being tonight's installment.) That Michael Piller, tipping the hat to the fans. An odd episode, but enjoyable. Still, two or three weeks now with no Sarah (Nicole de Boer). Shameful!

You're Invited to a Wedding

Well, I didn't manage to get out to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet, but I did catch the other film to release this weekend, Wedding Crashers. Lots of good laughs, one-liners, and catch phrases there. Vince Vaughn was great, and "the man behind the nose" (Owen Wilson) wasn't too bad either.

I kept waiting for Christopher Walken to deliver the "one huge laugh" I was expecting. He does have a tendency to do that in nearly all his movies, no matter how bad they are. But he was pretty restrained and normal in this movie... which I suppose is slightly disappointing.

Still, overall I give a B+.

Bad Omens

You notice how everything that ever "bodes" does so badly? "This doesn't bode well." "This bodes ill." I've never heard the phrase "this bodes well," not even sarcastically, I think.

So, given that "boding" seems to be an exclusively negative thing, why don't we all just save ourselves the extra word and say, "this bodes." Or perhaps, for the "stoner" version, "man, this totally bodes."

If You Can't Beat 'Em... You're Not Alone

If you're planning to somehow stay in the dark until the November TV broadcast about the outcome of the 2005 World Series of Poker main event, then turn away from this post now. There be spoilers to follow.

Your new WSoP Champion is.... Joe Hachem? Yes, as I predicted and lamented, this year's main event was won by a complete unknown. This was in fact his first WSoP event ever, of any category. And I feel about what I expected. The "anyone can win" factor here is nice, but I still hoped a long-time vet would defy the odds and pull out a win.

Well, I'm not being entirely fair. Hachem, from Melbourne, Australia, has been earning his living exclusively as a professional poker player for some time. He says he stayed away from the WSoP until now because he felt his kids were too young for him to be jaunting halfway around the world for several weeks. Fair enough.

Still, all I'm saying is, the days of the "Johnny Chan/Eric Siedel" sort of final clash as immortalized in Rounders are clearly over. (P.S. -- Poor Siedel. He's really a better player than the movie makes him out to be.)

Frakky Friday

Lost and Desperate Housewives may have gotten all the hype -- and deservedly so, I think -- but for my money, Battlestar Galactica is the best show on television right now. Just as "33" kicked things off with a bang in the first season, tonight's second season premiere, "Scattered," was incredible.

Colenol Tigh in the hot seat, a place he never wanted to be. Apollo being thrown in the brig with his father's blood still all over him. Starbuck and Helo, arguably in the best position of all the characters as of the end of the first season, now find themselves in arguably one of worst positions by the end of this episode. A Cylon boarding party getting onto Galactica. Major character stories for even the more minor characters like Gaeta and Tyrol.

And best of all, we have nearly twice as many episodes coming this season as last. Alright!

(As a postscript, the SciFi.com web site is offering podcast commentaries on each new episode from series creator Ronald D. Moore. I haven't listened to tonight's yet, but I found all the first season commentaries very interesting -- far above the crap commentaries one often gets on the average DVD.)

And Now Award From Our Sponsors

Meet your 2005 Emmy nominations. Basically, if Lost and Desperate Housewives hadn't come on the air, the list would be virtually identical to the 2004 Emmy nominations.

Will only cancellation finally get them to stop nominating Will & Grace? No love for Veronica Mars at all? How much does it suck to be Eva Longoria (now truly the Desperate Housewife)? How is Boston Legal a drama when Desperate Housewives is a comedy? Do "Reality Program" and "Reality/Competition Program" really deserve to be separate categories? Isn't it interesting how much Law & Order and CSI is on television, none of it Emmy worthy?

Wanna Hear a Dirty Joke?

Thanks to a friend of mine, I learned this week that, dating back to the days of vaudeville, there has been a famous dirty joke, legendary among comedians. Not a specific joke, but a framework really, in which a comedian improvises like a jazz musician. Well, actually, more like a longshoreman with Tourette's.

The joke goes like this:

A performer walks into a talent agent's office and says, I have the most amazing act for you! A family act!

[insert several minutes of improvised material here -- the most foul, offensive, off-color, vile, vulgar, horrible things you can possibly imagine... frankly, worse than you can imagine]

"And... uh... what do you call this act?" asks the stunned talent agent.

"The Aristocrats!"

The joke is sort Masonic, as if kept hidden by a secret society, never told in public. But how a stand-up comic tells the joke to his peers is often a measure of the respect they give him or her.

So how have I learned of this joke? A documentary film has been made about it, in which a wide variety of comedians discuss the history of the joke and perform their own versions of it.

The movie is unrated. After initially agreeing to screen it nationwide, AMC cinemas executives actually watched what they'd signed up to show, and backed out. So this is likely to be strictly arthouse or wait-for-DVD fare. It's been said the movie has screened at several film festivals already, and had numerous viewers walking out on it while dozens of others sat in stunned silence. Most of the audience, however, was said to be laughing too hard to breathe.

Between that, and my total enthusiasm for freedom of speech (a right that's been noticeably clamped down from where it used to be), and I can't wait to see this movie.

But come on... this joke. Could it possibly be that offensive? Well, let me offer you a sample, and you be the judge. The link below will take you to an uncensored version of Cartman from South Park telling the joke.

If harsh language and vivid descriptions of deviant sexual activities might offend you, do not click this link.

DO NOT click this link at work.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Writer With Two First Names

Some of you out there will know Peter David from his blog. He's one person in that small circle of writers known mainly for "tie-in fiction," but that writes far, far better than most such writers. Timothy Zahn and Michael Stackpole are part of that circle, best known for their Star Wars books. Peter David is best known for his Star Trek books (and a variety of movie novelizations).

Tonight, I finished reading a wholly original novel by Peter David, a satirical fantasy called Sir Apropos of Nothing. While it does not manage to reach the heights of The Princess Bride (film or book), anyone who enjoyed one would doubtlessly enjoy the other. And so I'm throwing my endorsement out there for anyone looking for something to read.

...which, I acknowledge, is probably not many of you at the moment. Because I know a lot of you are looking forward to Saturday, and the arrival of the sixth Harry Potter book. And if you weren't planning to read that, Sir Apropos of Nothing probably isn't up your alley anyway.

Minute Details

While we're on the subject of problem words that mean two different things, "minute" deserves special mention. Even setting aside the fact that some people toss around "just a minute" as basically any duration other than "not right now," it's still a problem word. Not only is "minute" (first syllable stressed) a measure of time, but "minute" (second syllable stressed) is a measure of size and/or stature. Maybe not a horrible problem in spoken English, but potential trouble in written form.

As "Exhibit A," I point to Chopin's famous "Minute Waltz." This whole size/duration mixup has led legions of show-off pianists to attempt to play a piece in 60 seconds that, at any reasonable speed, ought to take around twice that long. In trying to impress us with their dexerity, these musicians are instead displaying their bone-headed confusion of the English language, transforming a pleasant little number into an Alvin and the Chipmunks record.

And don't even get me started about "minutes" as an itemized list of things covered in a meeting. In that context, "minute" should be thrown in the trash along with "paradigm," "incentivize," and other such crap words used in the business world to make things sound more important than they really are.

Fashion Statement

Thanks to my years at my former job, I've been supplied with enough T-shirts (especially black ones) to last me a lifetime. That includes rags for washing cars. Nevertheless, every once in a while, I see a T-shirt that makes me think... "hmm, maybe I could use just one more." Actually, there are quite a few at this site that make me think that.

Easy as 1 -- 2 -- Many

You know, it's really not right to call it a "trifold wallet" when it actually only folds twice.

Pepsi's Newest Flavor

I got this story second-hand. It involves a co-worker of one of my friends, and is a warning to everyone living with a roommate: be considerate.

Apparently, for eight months, our protagonist's obnoxious roommate has eaten every bit of food he ever brought home. And for the last several weeks, Obnoxious has had a house guest that has done the same. Obnoxious even made Guest a key so that he can loaf around eating Protagonist's food even when Obnoxious is not around.

Protagonist told Obnoxious (and Guest, once he entered the picture) on several occasions to stop eating and drinking his stuff. Or to at least replace some of it every now and then. Or to at least ask if they could eat and drink his stuff. These pleas fell on deaf ears. So one day, Protagonist snapped.

He went out and bought a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. He brought it home, drank about a quarter of it, then peed into the bottle and put it into the fridge. By the following night, it was gone. His position: he'd told Obnoxious and Guest not to get into his food. If either of them had bothered to ask if they could have his Pepsi, he would have told them exactly why they wouldn't to have any. But they didn't ask. Apparently, neither one of them has said anything about it since then, either.

His sense of revenge now satisfied, Protagonist is apparently making plans to move out in the coming week. I just hope if he moves in with another roommate, that roommate doesn't get on Protagonist's bad side.

Me, I'm sticking with 12-ounce cans, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and for the record, I have never done anything like this to any of my former roommates.

The Must-Avoid Movie of the Year

The recent movie Cinderella Man was a near-perfect example of a movie I couldn't possibly be interested in seeing. For one, it was about boxing. Sports in general are usually a turnoff for me in films. Secondly, it was a "biopic." I generally need a dramatic arc and message to my dramas -- something along the lines of Finding Neverland, which isn't a "life story of J.M. Barrie." Thirdly, it features Russell Crowe. Can't stand him on film, and his general conduct in life just cranks the hatred up a notch.

But I did say "near-perfect," because it did have at least one thing going for it: Ron Howard directed it. He's made some really great movies, I think, including one of my top 10 favorites of all time, Apollo 13. (Yes, I realize Apollo 13 possibly breaks "rule #2" stated above. All I can say is, "but it's about the space program.")

Anyway, Hollywood is now rushing to do the job right, and is preparing to produce a perfect example of a movie I couldn't possibly be interested in seeing.

First, it's about the World Trade Center attacks. I don't know what the "statute of limitations" on this is as far as maintaining good taste, but I'm fairly sure they haven't expired. And even if they had, I still don't think I'm interested. Seeing the real thing on television was more than enough for me.

Second, it stars Nicholas Cage. Another actor I can't stand. In a contest between him and Russell Crowe, I'm not sure who I'd pick. Although, if you could arrange such a contest -- preferably a fight to the death -- I wouldn't mind.

(shudder)

Time to Grade Your Quizzes

As promised, here's the "answer key" to last weekend's post of TV show voice-overs.

Law and Order: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: Firefly: some rich and flush with the new technology; some, not so much. The A-Team: Sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit, these men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Battlestar Galactica (the original version): They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Win Ben Stein's Money: I'm putting up $5,000 that says I know more than you. Alias (Season 1): I was sworn to secrecy, but I couldn't keep it from my fiancé, and when the head of SD-6 found out, he had him killed. The Tick (live action): I am the wild blue yonder, the front line in a never-ending battle between good... and not-so good. American Gothic: For those who follow my lead, life can be a paradise. But for those who don't, it can be a mighty rough road. The Dead Zone: One touch, and I can see things: things that happened, things that will happen. 24 (Season 1; one of several slightly different opening narrations): Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a presidential candidate. My wife and daughter have been targeted. And people that I work with may be involved in both.

The Twilight Zone: You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. Babylon 5 (Season 2): A self-contained world five miles long, located in neutral territory. A place of commerce and diplomacy for a quarter of a million humans and aliens. Sliders: It's the same year, and you're the same person — but everything else is different. The Outer Limits: There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. Jeopardy: This is jeopardy!

The Incredible Hulk: The creature is driven by rage, and pursued by an investigative reporter. Star Trek: Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. The Six-Million Dollar Man: We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better, stronger, faster. Quantum Leap: His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear.

Press Your Luck: Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! Jake 2.0: Jake Foley was an ordinary guy, until a freak accident made him into the first computer-enhanced man. Superman — strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! Knight Rider: Michael Knight — a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.

Arrested Development: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. Soap: This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. The Mole: The winner? The one who answers the question: who is The Mole? Buffy the Vampire Slayer: She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. Dark Skies: They're here, they're hostile. Powerful people don't want you to know. History is a lie.

Dragnet: The story you've just seen is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent.

Your Score

For each of the 29 you recognized, give yourself 1 point. If you got the American Gothic one, give yourself 10 bonus points. If you missed the Star Trek one, subtract all your points.

39 -- You used Google and cheated.
25-38 -- You are as big a TV geek as I am. I'm truly sorry for you.
20-24 -- You may think we don't know how big a TV geek you are, but you're just lying to yourself.
15-19 -- I'm guessing you either missed a bunch of the "new ones" or a bunch of the "old ones." Work just a little harder, and soon you'll be a well-rounded TV geek.
10-14 -- Just don't give me that condescending "I read books" defense.
5-9 -- So how was your stay in that cave?
0-4 -- See, there's this wonderful device that beams moving, talking pictures right into your very own living room!

Giving New Meaning to a "Change Bowl"

So this is totally bizarre, but literally just yesterday I'm over on Kathy's blog, replying to her very strange-but-fun post about dreams, claiming that I remember only like one dream a year. And then, last night, I remember my dream. Well, actually, not the whole thing -- just a tiny, maybe 10-second portion of it.

I'm in a store, buying something. I don't remember what or where. And I get something like $1.37 in change, which comes in the form of 2 pennies, 1 dime, 1 quarter... and 2 fifty-cent pieces.

But not real fifty-cent pieces. These are shaped like bowls, about an inch round and a half-inch deep. And am thinking, "what the hell are these bowls you've given me?!" But I don't want to say anything, because I don't want to be like one of those ignoramuses you hear about that's working retail and refuses to accept a 2-dollar bill or a
Susan B. Anthony coin or something. So I accept the weird bowls without comment.

That's all I remember.

Troubled Waters

I saw Deep Water tonight. I'm really not sure if I liked it or not. For the moment, at least, it defies the sort of letter grading I've provided in other recent movie reviews.

I was reminded very much of my experience seeing The Village, where I'd been totally hoodwinked going in, expecting a different kind of movie. From the trailers, you'd think Dark Water was going to be "The (Bathtub) Ring." Don't be fooled. This movie isn't really scary and, with the exception of one or two moments, I don't think it's meant to be. I mean, when your biggest ally against the ghost is a lawyer, it's pretty clear we're not watching the usual ghost story.

I'm not sure the movie was really "good," in the end. But paradoxically, it was very intriguing. It had a number of small, but very interesting characters. It had some good moments of foreshadowing and consistency sprinkled throughout. It was a relatively well-thought out tale. But if you go expecting a pervasive creepy tone, you'll be disappointed.

Summer Lovin'

In the latest example of "movie sequels run amok," there is apparently a push to create another film in the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" series. I would have thought (hoped?) that the titles would quickly grow too prohibitively long to allow more sequels. But apparently, the studio is determined not to stop until they bring us, "I Vaguely Recollect Events You Facilitated A Indeterminate Number of Summers Ago."

Shuffle Up and Deal!

Today is the first day of the main event at the 2005 World Series of Poker. The WSoP has grown a lot in the last few years. Hell, it's grown a lot since Joe played in it. It is estimated that 6600 players will play the event this year, and they'll be divided into not two, but three starting flights. Out of control!

In fact, as glad as I am to see poker continue to be on the rise, I'm also a little saddened by the size of the event now. For two years running, amateurs have won the big title. And with a field this big, I have to wonder if a "pro name" is ever going to squeak one out again. Sure, the skilled players win in the long run. And any one pro has probably got much better chances of winning than any one amateur. But we're now talking about so many amateurs.

I find it incredibly impressive that Dan Harrington was able to make the final table in both of the last two years. That says to me he's a hell of a player, much more so than Chris "Suck Out" Moneymaker, who avoid busting out of the tournament on at least a half dozen odds-defying occasions to win it in 2003. Greg "Fossilman" Raymer at least proved to be a better player than that. I'm not trying to say I'm against the notion of "anyone can win." Still, if we just get a new Moneymaker every year from now on... that's disappointing to me.

Even though this year's main event begins today and will conclude a week from now, it won't be televised on ESPN until October/November. I just don't understand this. I mean, I understand countless reasons why you, say, wouldn't cover it live or anything close to it. But poker is a pretty hot ticket right now. Why you would wait over three months to broadcast the event is totally beyond me.

In any case, perhaps in honor of the festivities, this past weekend was the first time I threw down and played some poker in nearly five months. The skills were a little rusty, I must admit, but not critically so. I managed to win overall, even if it wasn't really any amount worth mentioning. Mostly, it just felt good to be back at the table. You'll probably be finding me there a lot in the weeks to come.

Skeletor Buys the Montecito

I might be undermining some of the "TV Good Taste Street Cred" that I've built up here, but I've been known to watch the series Las Vegas. It's kind of stupid at times, yes, but is also harmless fun in the way some classic shows like Fantasy Island used to be. And it has some pretty good acting, led by James Caan.

Today, word came through the entertainment grapevine that Skeletor will be on the show next year. What rail-thin actress might I be referring to, you ask? Lindsay Lohan? Calista Flockhart? No, no, no... I'm referring to the woman that makes them all look Kirstie Alley -- Lara Flynn Boyle.

She's only scheduled to play a semi-recurring character at the moment. Of course, even if she was on full time, you wouldn't see that much of her. (Rim shot.) Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

Back At Ya

"Frontal" is a word desperately in need of an antonym. Granted, there's no real opposite of the "frontal lobe" of your brain. Nor is it very often a military force finds itself in such a bad position as to be under a full assault from the rear -- hence, no desperate need for the opposite of a "frontal assault."

But the phrase "frontal nudity" is used so often that "ass nudity" is desperately in need of its own term. "Backal nudity?" "Rearal nudity?" See, they really don't work.

"Rectal nudity," I patently reject.

Good Times? Nay, Great Times!

Since returning to Denver, I've had a rekindled obsession with Good Times. It's a local fast food chain (though curiously, they have one location outside of Colorado -- in Idaho, of all places).

The sort of tone of voice I hear West Coasters get when they talk about In 'N Out Burger -- that's how I feel about Good Times. I don't know what sort of addictive substance they use to spike their burgers, but they taste phenomenal. (Perhaps it's the same substance used to coat CCG cards?) I could have them for dinner every night for a month and probably not get sick of them.



But what puts Good Times over the top is the frozen custard. Don't ask me how they decided that burgers and frozen custard were meant to go together, but they did, and it's great. They've got a standard flavor-of-the-day every Monday through Thursday, and rotating weekend flavors for the other three days. I'm always stopping off for pints to take home and keep in my freezer.

Anyway... point is, should you ever find yourself in Colorado, don't miss out on the chance to go to Good Times.

Your Show of Shows

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: some rich and flush with the new technology; some, not so much. Sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit, these men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

I'm putting up $5,000 that says I know more than you. I was sworn to secrecy, but I couldn't keep it from my fiancé, and when the head of SD-6 found out, he had him killed. I am the wild blue yonder, the front line in a never-ending battle between good... and not-so good. For those who follow my lead, life can be a paradise. But for those who don't, it can be a mighty rough road. One touch, and I can see things: things that happened, things that will happen. Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a presidential candidate. My wife and daughter have been targeted. And people that I work with may be involved in both.

You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A self-contained world five miles long, located in neutral territory. A place of commerce and diplomacy for a quarter of a million humans and aliens. It's the same year, and you're the same person — but everything else is different. There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. This is jeopardy!

The creature is driven by rage, and pursued by an investigative reporter. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better, stronger, faster. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear.

Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! Jake Foley was an ordinary guy, until a freak accident made him into the first computer-enhanced man. Superman — strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! Michael Knight — a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. The winner? The one who answers the question: who is The Mole? She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. They're here, they're hostile. Powerful people don't want you to know. History is a lie.

The story you've just seen is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent.

Qapla' Gamers!

One more thing about Columbus, home of Origins. Its airport is shaped like a Klingon battle cruiser. They even hang the schematics on the wall.



You think their airport code is IKS?

And yes, I've finally stepped up my blogging a notch and added illustrations. Ooooo.

Must See Movies

You know that old cliche from movie trailers and commercials, "If you see only one movie this [year, summer, whatever], see..." It's been a while since I've actually heard that line used in a real trailer, but it used to really make the rounds. And it always made me wonder, "who actually only sees one movie a year?"

I might not be able to pick them out on the streets, but I can definitely pick them out in the theater. I know them because they're the only ones laughing at the commercials before the movie. They think the Fandango lunch sacks are funny. Or the geek from the 80s that "invented" MovieTickets.com. They haven't seen the "Crouching Tiger-esque" reminder from Best Buy to turn off your damn cell phones. Or before that, the "Bring It On" parody. Or before that, the buffalo hunt. Or before that, the submariners.

I've seen those damn "Fantanas" so many times I want to gouge the eyes out of anyone I see take a swig from a can, but there's always somebody, somewhere in the theater who's laughing out loud in the silence between ads. These are the people who only see one movie a year.

And that usually makes me ask, "why this movie?"

Here's a couple that hasn't gotten out of the house for at least four months. But they finally decided to do it for... Hide and Seek? Sahara? Mindhunters??? How's their thought process working that they're saying to themselves: "You know, I passed this year on Spider-Man 2, The Grudge, The Incredibles, Collateral, The Bourne Supremacy, Shrek 2, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban... but Boogeyman! I just have to see Boogeyman."