Low Tides

This weekend, I went to catch the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, On Stranger Tides -- like many people, it seems, given the $90 million opening weekend. But if you haven't forked over your money yet, I'm here to tell you that you probably don't want to. On Stranger Tides is not a "bad" movie as such; it commits the arguably worse offense of just being boring.

Though nearly half an hour shorter than the previous plodding film, At World's End, this movie somehow felt longer to me. It's slow paced and just generally "less" than the other Pirates movies. The action isn't adventurous or exciting. The romantic parts aren't emotional or sexy. The dramatic elements aren't engaging. There is a plot, a far more coherent tale than was served up in the last two sequels, but it is a rather joyless affair.

Even Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush, whose larger-than-life characters were the primary appeal of the original trilogy... well, they're still among the most entertaining parts of this new movie, but even they feel like they're just going through the motions most of the time, not having nearly as much fun at it as they used to. And I think part of that is because the film isn't really centered on either of them.

This fourth Pirates movie is based in part on a novel, On Stranger Tides, that had nothing to do with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. I haven't read it, but to me, the movie definitely comes across as a story into which Captain Jack Sparrow was forced. He's a poor protagonist in his own story, spending most of the movie deceived, clueless, imprisoned, coerced, or several of the above. He sort of bobs along with the current, only occasionally taking charge for a moment here and there to have a clearly Hollywood-manufactured action sequence.

If anything, the antagonist was almost more the protagonist of the film. Ian McShane as Blackbeard is the one definitively bright spot of the film. He's played his share of textured villains in his career, and while Blackbeard is understandably a less-rounded character, McShane serves him up with gusto and energy all the same. He's as fun as Barbossa in the first film and miles ahead of Davy Jones in the sequels. Comically, unrealistically wicked at times, yes, but that's how these sorts of movies (and characters) work.

Still, that's not nearly enough for me to recommend the movie. I found it to be a drab, D+ affair, and would caution you to stay clear. But if you simply must know for yourself, I'd suggest you splurge and shell out the extra few dollars for 3D. I myself did not see the movie in 3D, but the film clearly pandered to that format. There were countless scenes of characters pointing swords toward the audience, people and things jumping into frame, and so forth. Perhaps I would have been more entertained by the plane-busting antics than I was by the movie itself.