Wedding Bells

So, after 18 hours of driving, we'd made it to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We stopped in at the rehearsal dinner that night -- though the three of us were not in the wedding party, we were invited. We were completely exhausted, however, and left after little more than an hour to go sleep for about 13-14 hours.

Saturday morning, we woke up just a little too late to catch a movie, but with plenty of time before the 5:00 ceremony. After digging through the hotel guide for a bit, we learned there was a mini golf course near by, and decided to kill some time there. It was a pretty straight-forward outdoor course.

Finally, it was off to the wedding. It was nice enough, but for a couple hitches. The minister was on microphone. The couple was not. When the vows came around, not a person in the church could hear a word. Even the bridesmaid at the end of the line told us after the fact that she was standing basically right there and couldn't hear anything. So, about 4 minutes of total silence and leaning way forward in the seats. We're told the couple was actually recorded on mic for video purposes, so I suppose at least they'll be able to have their memories.

The other amusing moment was the "unity candle" ceremony. The couple each lit a taper off of their large candles on the side, then used the tapers to light the unity candle. Then, they blew out the tapers. First, the groom. Then the bride, whose head was turned just so that her breath took out not only her own taper, but the groom's original candle standing beside the unity candle. One would hope this was not an omen for the marriage -- no sooner were they joined than the wife figuratively snuffed out her new husband's life. Fortunately, they laughed themselves at the situation, and after a few seconds of awkward pause, he leaned over and blew out her candle in kind.

On to the reception, which was interesting as it was held after hours in a museum downtown. It was a very strange, eclectic museum, with a small exhibit of boxes, another small exhibit of porcelain dolls, a recreation of a gunmaker's shop, and further random things. We got to wander around part of the museum throughout the party.

There was a carousel in one wing with the most demonic-looking horse I've ever seen. As it came swinging around, yellow eyes staring straight at me, I worried if people should be letting kids see this thing. I'm not sure this photo does it justice.



There was a very bizarre mural on one wall with this "woman" who frankly looks to me like Malcolm McDowell in drag.



After we'd explored all corners of the museum, there was dinner, and then a DJ kicked in. Not the worst wedding DJ I'd ever heard, but not the best either.

On the plus side, he did not play the Macarena or the Electric Slide. He did not make the ridiculous mistake of playing My Heart Will Go On -- why anyone would want a song played at their wedding with lyrics saying "even though you're dead now, I'll still love you" is a mystery to me.

On the bad side, the DJ played all his music in "bricks." Three swing songs all at once, then none for the rest of the night. Two songs from the Grease soundtrack in a row. Three country songs, all together. And so forth, until the night culminated in what I feel to be a wildly inappropriate selection: Total Eclipse of the Heart as the final song of the night. Is that not a breakup song? And what's the message behind the sleigh bells and nuclear bomb sounds during the instrumental solo anyway?

Oh, and one last word of advice to anyone out there who might plan a wedding in the future. I got this tip while talking to a friend and the reception. It's a trend now to put a disposable camera on each table at the reception to have people take their own pictures which you can then develop for your album. This is a complete and total waste of your money. About half the cameras are mostly empty by the end of the night, while the other half are filled mostly with random crap taken by someone completely drunk off their ass in the last 5 minutes before the party ends. I got to see this point proven firsthand, as someone snapped a picture of my nostril at about 10:57, then ran off before my "flash blindness" could clear.

B, E, and I, the intrepid drivers, decided to try and do something different with the disposable wedding camera. We found one at the end of the night that, as predicted, still had about 15 pictures left on it, and we took it with us to use on the rest of the trip, snapping pictures of Cedar Point and the other fun we had.

If this sounds totally wrong, please understand: the newlywed couple is actually planning a lavish tropical honeymoon a few months down the road. For the wedding weekend, however, they were just staying on a couple days at a hotel in the area. And there was briefly talk of them joining us at Cedar Point. But New Husband knew that New Wife wouldn't truly be up for it. And I'm told she issued the very first Marital Test when she offered: "Well, honey, you can go if you want to." Hey, it was a total gimme, but give him points for passing.

So while we understood the reasons why the three of us would not be joined by either half of the happy new couple, we still decided to give them a small photo journal of the fun they could have had if they'd come with us. Slightly inappropriate or unfitting, perhaps, but I maintain it's at least better than NostrilCam. We've returned the finished roll to the couple, and hope they'll have a laugh when it's developed.

Next up in the "trip diary," Sunday with family. (Not mine, but still, someone's family.)