LAX-citement

Today, on a one-day business-related trip, I flew into and back out of LAX. And it was really interesting (I'd say annoying) to see how one of the nation's largest airports handles security now that we're all acting like we're the Wicked Witch of the West. (You know, the whole liquids thing...)

Actually, let me start with the liquid ban itself. When I flew last week to Indianapolis, I departed on the same morning as the crazy "attack scare." The hastily printed notices at the airport said just flat-out "no liquids." It went on with a long list of things "this includes," making no mentions of any exceptions. Now, a few days later, the notices have been updated. It's okay to bring baby formula, if you have a child with you. It's okay to bring some quantity of insulin or another "critical medication." And one or two other things that...

Well, I was going to say, "that make sense." Except that somewhat implies that I think everything else doesn't make sense to bring on a plane. And that's crap. Look, I know absolutely nothing about making liquid explosives, but it seems to me that if the original plotters were going to make it look like whatever it was going to look like (a can of Coke? a jar of hair gel?) that they could just as easily make it look like a supply of insulin or a bottle of formula. In other words, I don't see how these new security measures could stop someone with enough determination. (Bear in mind, the successfully-foiled plot of last week was so foiled not at an airport, but through outside investigation!) Instead, it's just one more inconvenience for the rest of us, like taking off our shoes to put on the x-ray belt, that serves very little purpose.

But I digress. Let's get to subject of LAX in particular. When it came time to board our plane for Denver, a dozen U.S. Army soldiers in full camo fatigues appeared at the gate, flanked the path to the ticket scanner, and proceed to start hand-inspecting the carry-ons of people boarding the flight.

My first thought was, "what the hell is this? Join the army, inspect luggage? We unpack more bags before 9AM than most people pack all day?" Of course, the thought that almost immediately followed was, "hell, if I were in the army, you bet I'd rather have that assignment than a tour of duty in Iraq!"

Once over the shock of seeing the soldiers there in the first place, I looked around the concourse and developed still more questions. These army people were dispatched only to our flight, out of several other gates within "eyeshot" (including two others also in the boarding process). What made our flight so special?

By this point, they're already "inviting first class and zone 1" to board the plane, and these grunts are opening up the carry-ons of every single passenger and thoroughly looking through their stuff. Never mind that it had all been inspected already on the x-ray machine. Never mind some grimy stranger messing up your stuff (all due respect to our men and women in the armed forces). And never mind the fact that takeoff is scheduled in about 15-20 minutes. There's no chance this flight is taking off anywhere close to on time.

Minutes later... "Zone 2" is called. And then "zone 3 and 4." And that's when it got even stranger. Now, they suddenly started letting people on without checking their bags at all! If one of the soldiers finished up, well then the next person in line traded the new car for the live llama hiding behind curtain #2, and had to submit to the search. Otherwise, on the plane with you! So halfway through, they abandoned the little pretense they had going of this not being a random, arbitrary, and ineffective search, and the sham was fully exposed.

How can people not realize this emperor has no clothes? When is enough going to be enough?