Google Fight!

If you don't normally read the comments threads of my posts, you'll need this background to understand the following. Well... "understand" is not the right word, because I sure as hell don't understand what's happening here.

To Evan Heimlich:

I've been ignoring you until now for a couple of reasons. One, I really don't have to justify or explain anything to you. I've been using my nickname for years now. And this is the internet, where people can style themselves however they like with varying degrees of anonymity.

Which brings me to my second reason for ignoring you, and by far the biggest issue in my mind. I have never used the name Evan "Heimlich" Lorentz (which, if I understand correctly, is the core of your grievance) on this blog. In fact, I've never used my real last name on this blog until now, and have only used my first name once. I was trying to enjoy a relative degree of anonymity here as the alter ego "Dr. Heimlich," and now you've basically ruined that. So thanks a lot.

The only place I'm aware of where you'll find Evan "Heimlich" Lorentz on the internet is in the byline of articles I write in my capacity as a game designer for Stargate TCG, Legends of Norrath, and others. You were actually making a leap of logic to assume that the author of those articles and the author of this blog (who until two days ago had been known only as Heimlich, or Evan) are one and the same -- there are, after all, plenty of Evans, Evan Lorentzs, and yes, even Evan Heimlichs in the world. (As Roland Deschain so ably explained in one of his comments.)

Now, as it happens, you were correct... the game writer and I are the same person. But this doesn't excuse the underlying lack of consideration you demonstrated in exposing my anonymity here. In fact, it doubles the offense. As a general rule, I do not blog about my job here. Nor do I mention my blog in any capacity at work. "Don't cross the streams," I say. So you are here stirring up trouble on my personal blog over issues you have with my internet presence at my job. And I suspect you're fully aware of how ill-behaved you are and how ridiculous you sound in doing this, precisely because you're pursuing me here and not in the many discussion forums available from my employer. You know full well that if you went there and "thread-jacked" another topic, demanded I explain my nickname, and challenged me when I refused to answer, you'd be banned from those forums faster than a Stephen King novel from a religious library.

Taking all of that into account, I don't know why I would bother to respond any farther to your nonsense. But since I suspect you're not going to go away until I do, here you go:

I named my blog Heimlich Maneuvers and adopted the handle of "Heimlich" (or "Dr. Heimlich") because I find Eddie Izzard's stand-up comedy really hilarious, specifically the concert Dress to Kill. I explained this in one of the first posts I ever made on this blog. Two-and-a-years ago, I might add. My Guitar Hero bands are all named Heimlich. My character in the newest Zelda game, and in most Civilization scenarios I play? Heimlich. And when I log on to the online games I design for my job? I log on as Heimlich. It's just a nickname, one I use a lot, and have used for a long, long time.

In my capacity as a game designer, I write articles that are posted on my company's web sites. It is the decision of someone else in the company -- not me -- to attribute those articles both to my real name and to my log on name. And it is also the decision of someone else to do this by inserting my online nickname in quotation marks between my first and last names. This was never a decision I personally made. And this is the same format used for ALL of the people who write articles appearing on our web site. I only hope that people named Chuck Shocho and Paul Merakon don't turn up to badger my co-workers in the same manner in which you've hassled me.

So, there's the explanation you so desperately craved. But I reiterate that you hardly deserved one. You're the one who charged in here piercing whatever veil there might have been over my anonymity, you're the one coming after me on my personal time for things done in the course of my job, and you're the one completely off your rocker when you claim you were "the only Evan Heimlich in the world." (See? Not true!)

To everyone else who posted comments in this ridiculous thread, or who e-mailed me privately to ask "wtf?":

You all rock. It's really quite awesome to see friends be so clever and witty (and thorough -- damn, Roland!), and rushing to your defense.

I love you guys!