Those of you who have resolved not to see Episode III, I commend your willpower. And now, I reward you too, by telling you that you had the last laugh on us all. The abbreviation of the third film's title is ROTS. And that's pretty accurate -- Star Wars ROTS.
"But wait," I can hear some of you saying -- those of you who caved like I did and saw it, "it wasn't as bad as the last two." You're right, it wasn't as bad as the last two. But come on... what wouldn't have been? Saying that Episode III was better than Episode I and II is like saying that getting kicked in the crotch is not so bad as being shot in the face.
In fact, I'm not entirely sure that Episode III was actually better than Episode I. (I know it was at least better than Episode II, though.) My line of logic there is, if you take the raw number of minutes of Menace and Sith that I thought were actually decent, they'd come out about the same. Menace was only good for about 5 minutes at a time, spaced very widely apart. Sith was no good at all until 25 of the last 30 minutes. Either way, you get about 25 minutes' worth of good material. Paper or plastic? Capsules or tablets?
Here is the obligatory SPOILER warning before I elaborate on my reaction to the movie.
I knew we were in trouble right out of the gate when the opening crawl appeared on screen, and the first sentence is "War!" Simultaneously, I'm thinking, "Good Gawd, y'all; what is it good for? Absolutely nothin'!!!" and recalling The Onion's Our Dumb Century calendar in which they parodied large-font headlines for their "World War II" cover page.
The crawl ended, and we panned down to the most grandiose display of over-the-top CG you're likely to get all year. Sound and fury, signifying nothing. How far we've come since a dozen ships attacking the Death Star was the most amazing (and suspenseful) thing we'd ever seen. Now the screen was filled with thousands of objects flickering by so rapidly as to risk inducing seizures.
The designs in the film have been pushed in a way to bridge the gap back to 1977. Ships look more like the designs of the classic trilogy. Anakin has shaggy hair. Padme's wearing sticky buns on her ears. But it doesn't feel like it matches with the first trilogy at all. The screen is constantly too full to plausibly synch up with the sparser world of the original trilogy. For example, R2-D2 is so mobile and dextrous, he's ready to audition for the Ringling Bros.
If you thought the "the sand of Tatooine is rough, not smooth like your skin" dialogue from Clones was grating, well, there's more love talk between Anakin and Padme in this film to face off against it in the Cliche Bowl. Pretty much the only good lines in the film are words that Lucas stole from speeches given by George Bush and his key staff to stuff in Emperor Palpatine's mouth.
You get 90 minutes of mind-numbing action sequences interspersed with wooden "dramatic" pieces, until things pretty much hit rock bottom for me at the moment Obi-Wan is watching the hologram of Anakin butchering the children -- oh, excuse me, that's "slaying the younglings." Obi-Wan says:
"I can't watch any more of this."
I wanted to stand up and cheer that sentiment.
I'm not sure if things really did start to improve at that point, or if I simply gave up my mental struggle. But from that point on, the movie actually took hold and managed to entertain me for nearly half an hour. Right up until newly-suited Vader staggers from the medical table like Boris Karloff himself. FIRE BAD!
From there, we got to watch Padme, formerly strong woman of the last two episodes, apparently wither and "die of a broken heart." And then we got to see fucking Jar Jar Binks survive the whole mess to attend her funeral. At least he never had a line of dialogue in the movie. I swear, if he'd opened his pixelated mouth, I'd have burned the theater down.
So now it's over. I feel like I've just been through the emotional equivalent of vomiting. I felt awful for hours. I tried to fight the feeling. But in the end, I gave in, I purged, and now that it's over and the worst is behind me, I feel a lot better.
Oh, and kudos to Liam Neeson for apparently refusing to come back for a cameo at the end of the film. Yoda has a short exchange with Obi-Wan to explain away how the whole "Force Ghost" thing worked in the original trilogy, saying that Qui-Gon has mastered the art from beyond the grave, and will spend the next 20-odd years teaching Obi-Wan. I envision a phone call between George Lucas and Liam Neeson going something like this:
GL: "Hi! Liam! I've finished my script for Episode III, and I'm calling to let you know that I have a part in it for you. I'd like you to..."
LN: "I'm busy, George."
GL: "Oh, but see, it's just a small part. It's a cameo where you appear as a ghost to..."
LN: "I really don't think I can fit it in, George."
GL: "But we'll be able to film the whole thing in just one day, and..."
LN: "Okay, I was trying to be polite. Seriously -- go to hell, George." (click)
GL: "Uh... hello? Hello? Well, I guess I could change one of Yoda's lines..."
And...... scene.
George Lucas, you have failed me for the last time.
13 comments:
Evan said - "The crawl ended, and we panned down to the most grandiose display of over-the-top CG you're likely to get all year."
And yet you think Serenity is going to be anything less? Hypocrit i say...HYPOCRIT
Yeah, good for Liam! I imagine the conversation actually would ahve gone like this:
GL: "Hi! Liam! I've finished my script for Episode III, and I'm calling to let you know that I have a part in it for you. I'd like you to..."
LN: "Do I have lines George?"
GL: "Well, yes."
LN: "Fuck off (click)."
Well, you've seen my reaction and we're on opposite sides of the fence again. I watched TESB a few weeks ago and its good but it's no Cinema Paradiso.
I'm surprised that GL even needed LN there to film a ghost scene. IIRC the ghost scene was in the comic adaptation.
Regardless of what you say, I'm going to see it, if only to add more content to my blog. I'm glad you picked on the ROTS and the most obvious anagram of "Sith".
TESB is no Cinema Paradiso, but thus far it's the most emotional episode with the best dialogue and the least gratuitous action sequences. ROTJ could be slightly redeemed if many of the Vader/Palpatine lines were changed and redubbed, which is much easier than redubbing other characters. (Also, put Shaw back in the final ghost scene, dammit!)
Well, I've *seen* Serenity, and barring changes to their special effects in the next four months (which I admit is possible), it was less. There is one sequence that is possibly overloaded with CG, but it is brief, not the non-stop onslaught of Sith, or Return of the King's siege, or others.
Your mileage may vary, but for me, "the face that launched a thousand ships" is a figure of speech. When I go to see Troy, and they actually show a thousand ships, it just looks ridiculous to me. There's only so much the eye can take in; the rest is just visual noise. Sound designers for films (including the brilliant Ben Burtt) have understood this for decades. Visual effects designers and their directors haven't had the newness of their toy wear off yet, and haven't learned the lesson.
Tom -- your interpretation of the Liam/George scene is pretty fun too. :-)
Marcus, you may have the most valid point of all. Maybe I need to stop deferring to my inner 8-year-old and stop seeing omething in Star Wars and Empire that isn't actually there. Maybe I've glorified them more than they ever deserved.
And GiromiDe... what can I say? I don't blame you. Lucas has cast a powerful spell over us all. I could tell you Sith was the worst movie I'd ever seen in my entire life (which it's not -- not by a long shot), and I'd still totally understand if you were lining up to see it. I'd hope you'd be buying a ticket to something else and sneaking into the theater, but I'd understand you having to go.
But you know what? Of the 10 people I saw it with, 3 hated it, 2 were indifferent, and the rest quite liked it. I think there's going to be pretty wide debate on this one, and I'm okay with that. I hope you do enjoy it, and I'm happy that some of you out there did. You got the kind of closure on this whole thing that I truly wish I could have gotten.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go "slay my inner youngling."
Hypothetical question: if episode 3 was episode 1, would you be so down on the prequels? I know I wouldn't. Despite being one in a series of 6, I tried to judge the film only on its own content.
Marcus -- Having not yet seen ROTS, my issue with the prequels in general is that they don't try to do anything new other than haphazardly fill a few story gaps. ANH and TESB had real "souls" to them that have yet to be recaptured in any other episode.
The five stories I've seen all have problems with time flow, logic, etc., but my suspension of disbelief kicks in and I just enjoy the ride, but dialogue and acting make or break films for me. TPM and AOTC had terrible dialogue coupled with lackluster acting, as did ROTJ. Even the lauded final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin might not be able to save ROTS if the rest of it is only passable.
The same thing happened with The Matrix films. The first one was so great and had so much soul, but the following two, while featuring great stories, fell apart in overlong action sequences, bad dialogue, and overall execution.
And to those who point to self-appointed fanboy spokesperson Kevin Smith's glowing review as a sign of ROTS's quality, I should point out he's tied to whatever Star Wars television series is spawned, so he has a vested interest.
(Boy, I hope I see this film soon so I know what I'm talking about...)
Marcus, I'll give you my answer (with a question).
Was the directing and dialog as bad in the first 2 films as it was in ROTS (that is an actual question, not rhetorical)? If so, I would still be down on the preqs. They all look like they have been horribly battered and disfigured with the E-Hammer (no one can tell the guy at the top he is doing something wrong, and if they do, he feels entitled not to listen).
The other possiblity is that I overrated the first 2 'cause I was a kid, but my opinion is that after Empire, things started sliding. And I'm damn sure that I don't like the latter day Lucas directing.
Jedi is a wierd case, as I think it was the start of the slide.
Tom: the charm (for want of a better word) Han Solo provided is irreplacable - even when GL writes his dialogue. There's no way that a bunch of priests with swords and some politicians are gonna make me laugh the same way Han did.
That being said, I didn't find the dialogue or direction particularly bad here. It's the only prequel where the actors are allowed to act, albeit briefly. Ep I is just unwatchable IMO.
Still Tom: you've seen I&II, right? Your rhetorical-ness has me confused :)
Evan: where would you rank this one in the six?
Everyone: if this page gets full - and I'm trying!! - feel free to come over to my SW review. I have a dearth of comments this week and I don't want my friends back home to know how unpopular I really am :(
Marcus: In response to your hypothetical question -- I think if E1 and E2 didn't exist, I would actually have been harsher on E3. Menace and Clone set the precedent for terrible dialogue, wooden acting, and unnecessary CG. E3 was only the natural conclusion of all that. In other words, I think E3 needed the two prior installments to look any good at all, by comparison.
GiromiDe - If I were grading all six films, I *think* it would look like this:
Star Wars -- A
Empire -- A+
Jedi -- B-
Menace -- C-
Clones -- D
Sith -- C-
Tom: where's the E-Hammer from? Sounds like the D-Hammer to me :)
Look on the bright side. Wizards of the Coast has yet another opportunity to produce a plethora of game cards hardly anyone will buy.
I did finally see this. At home. I think. I don't remember. It was a while ago.
It was not pleasant. The only good scene was the "seduction scene" at the opera.
I think we should all just pretend it's a year before the Special Edition, when all we had to expand upon the origial Trilogy were comic book series and Zahn.
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