Thrilling Wedding

Barring any surprises, I just attended my last wedding of 2005 today. It was a Catholic wedding, but without the full-fledged mass. Consequently, it took only about 25 minutes, which I think has got to be some kind of record for a Catholic wedding.

The reception is going to live in infamy, though.

To understand why, you have to rewind about 6 or 7 years. My college circle of friends was sitting around gaming or gabbing or some such one night, and for reasons I don't recall, someone broke out into a little pantomime of the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Specifically, the part with the "wolfman hands" raised up and reaching right, left, right, left. (At this point, you either know what I'm talking about, or the rest of this post is probably going to be lost on you.) This for some reason brought uproarious laughter, and performing the "wolfman hands" became part of the group's recurring behavior.

Fast forward to 2004, when the movie 13 Going On 30 came out. By this point, I was living in Virginia, and I was separated from the college group by a couple thousand miles. But as I sat in the theater watching the movie, it was as if they were all right there next to me... when it got to the party scene where Jennifer Garner's character breaks the ice by doing the Thriller dance. In the movie, by the end of the song, she has a whole line of people with her, all going through the zombie moves, complete with "wolfman hands." I laughed so hard, tears were literally rolling down my face. Not that the scene was that great in the movie, of course, but for the memories of my Colorado buds. I actually got home from the theater that day to find a "Have you seen 13 Going on 30 yet?" e-mail waiting for me.

This set an idea in our heads. We decided that the next time someone got married, we would all learn the Thriller dance and perform it at the reception. It was one of those things you sort of say just to be funny, not really thinking it'll come to pass.

But then, within the span of a few months, two members of the group had proposed to their girlfriends, and we were all set to have two weddings in 2005. (That would be the Michigan wedding from last month, and today's, for those keeping score.)

As the first of the weddings was approaching, we all started to talk. Were we serious about that Thriller thing? Were we actually going to learn the dance? Yes, we decided, and got our hands on a copy of the video and distributed it to everyone in the group.

Except then it sort of fell apart. The weekend of the Michigan wedding had arrived. Everybody had been too busy to learn the dance. And, as it turned out, the DJ didn't play it anyway. (Although granted, since we were all pretty sketchy on the steps, we didn't press the issue.) Opportunity wasted.

But there was now one month to go until the second wedding in the group. This time we meant it, we said... we were going to learn the Thriller dance. And we did. Some of us better than others. To be perfectly honest, hopefully without being too egomaniacal here, I better than anyone else.

Wedding day came. On the drive up to the church, many of us riding in the car together, the subject came up... did anyone learn the dance? Nope... nope... not really. "I did," I said. "Oh," someone replied, "then you can just get up front and be Michael and we'll all be your zombies." I laughed, but basically played it off. "Well, if it comes up, we'll make it work." And I thought that was the end of it.

...until about 45 minutes into the dancing portion of the reception, when the DJ comes on the microphone and says, "I've had a number of requests for this, so here we go..." And on comes Thriller.

So I get dragged to the dance floor and pushed to the front. And, as promised, my friends were all there to back me up as "zombies." Burying any sense of pride or shame I might have had, I start doing the first steps -- the whole "epileptic seizures in your neck" thing.

There's instant recognition. You can hear chuckles from people watching this.

But then it starts to get to the more complicated moves. And then the sense from the spectators definitely takes on a whole "wait a minute... they're actually doing more of the dance?" vibe.

And from there, it just starts snowballing. People are really starting to crowd in and watch us. A few other members of our group who were only watching at first join in behind us. The bride and groom fall into step. Every time we get to a new sequence of moves we haven't done yet, the spectators start roaring all over again.

We get to the "wolfman hands." People are just dying now. Applause.

Of course, if you're an 80s music geek, you know that the version of the song in the video isn't the same as the version on the album. In the video, there's this big, long instrumental part cut together where this dance happens. We're getting near the end of the steps, but we're barely halfway through the song.

"That's all there is!" I'm calling back, as I'm getting near the end.

"Just start over again!" one of them calls back.

So, it's back to neck spasms. Kicks. Spins. Wolfman hands.

The song ends. General applause, I think. I didn't much notice, because all of us who have been dancing are now too busy hugging each other and falling over laughing. Our vision come to life. Our completely bizarre, geeky, strange vision... but nevertheless, the conclusion of a year-long quest whose seeds were first planted all those years ago around the gaming table.

Yes. There is a video of me doing this.

No. You can't have a copy.