Reason #4717 Why I'm Not a Cat Person

This woman may be married, but clearly she is very, very lonely:



Beware the song at the halfway point.

It's no wonder this originally ran on the SciFi Channel.

Bathroom Scales

A few months ago, I marveled at the oddity that is the combination washing machine/toilet. But apparently, inventors are still determined to merge things with toilets:


What next? Foot massager/toilets? Coffee maker/toilets?

Method Acting

Poor Helen Keller:



And what's with the heartless jerk that just casually walks out at :31?

Ahhhhhh!

I've been so glad to have a DVR for the last three months, and the ability to skip over the deluge of political commercials.

I feel much better now.

Greatness Achieved

Tonight brought us a strong episode of Prison Break. No beating around the bush -- the highlight was of course in the two deaths contained within the episode. Granted that with this show, it seems you can't actually assume anyone is dead until you see their severed head in a box. (And not even then.) But would appear we've seen the last of Company cronie Wyatt, and there-since-day-one Brad Bellick.

William Fichtner once again delivered a top notch performance as Mahone. Even though the character was largely returned this week to druggie-like climbing the wall territory, the emotional impact of the material was still powerful. I'm not necessarily a fan of watching torture in drama, but for this character and this storyline, it was the right place to go.

And said torture wasn't nearly as unsettling to watch as that creepy, creepy kiss between the General and Gretchen. Ew. I have to assume she's just leading him on to get inside and betray him. As I recall, Scylla required six keycards to access and Our Heroes only got five, with the General's still safe. I presume Gretchen is acting on the inside to procure that sixth card. What remains to be seen is whether the General is clever enough to see through the ploy, and to double-double-cross Gretchen.

But the big moment of the hour was for Brad Bellick. Having been comic relief for the show basically since the beginning (and in real earnest since season three), I started to wonder what weirdness was up when he started in with all the serious talk about having nothing in life to be passionate about, wondering how Linc's kid was doing, and such. But it wasn't until he crawled in that pipe that I put together where things were going. And even then, I thought the writers might chicken out.

I say good for them to take this twist in the road. Bellick gave us a few laughs, sure, but in truth his character hasn't truly been served well since season two. Sending him out this way was a great thing for the character and for the story. I only wish they'd laid a little more pipe (pun not intended) in earlier episodes setting up for this grand exit. Still, a minor quibble with what really was a great creative decision.

Speaking of minor quibbles, I'll leave you with this. If I'm ever in a medical emergency, get me Dr. Sara Tancredi. Because just hours earlier, Sucre was suffering a gunshot wound to the gut, and here he was doing all sorts of strenuous physical activities with only an occasional hand to the stomach in an almost "maybe I should take a Tums for this upset stomach I have" sort of mild discomfort.

That woman can work miracles.

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

This afternoon, I saw Kevin Smith's newest movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno. It used to be that I generally enjoyed Kevin Smith movies, but didn't think he wqas fantastic or anything. But I was very pleasantly surprised by his last effort, Clerks II, and I think that raised my expectations for this movie. In some ways, this movie was better. In other ways, it was not as good.

Let's start with the "better." This movie is damn funny; I'd say his funniest movie yet. Assuming your threshold for raunch is sufficiently high, you'll get your money's worth out of this movie.

You could actually even watch just 5 minutes of this movie and get your money's worth: the 5 minutes featuring Justin Long. (For those of you who don't know him by name, he's a "Mac" in the commercials.) Take all the funny of his performances in Galaxy Quest, Dodgeball, and his cameo in Walk Hard, and compress it all down in a five minute period, and you've got his role in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. There's a risk I've just totally oversold this, but I don't think so. It'll live up to my hype; he's that funny in this movie.

And while that might be the highlight of the movie, the rest really does deliver too. It brings more than mere smiles or snickers. I laughed out loud a lot throughout this movie, as did the entire group I went with.

On the down side, the thing that made Clerks II a better movie in my mind, compared to earlier Kevin Smith movies, was that it had a message. I don't believe all movies have to have one, and certainly not comedies, but the fact that Clerks II did (and one so deftly slipped in amongst all the raunch jokes) was really cool to me. It showed a more mature kind of movie making, despite all the surrounding immaturity.

No such luck for Zack and Miri. Oh, it has a plot, to be sure. And it is sweet at times. But ultimately it's a pretty conventional tale of friends at a moment of discovery and change -- are they meant to be more than friends? That's not really making any kind of "statement," if you ask me.

Still, you might well argue that a movie like this should be funny first, and anything else second. Well, it is funny, and so deserves a good mark. I just don't happen to hold it in quite as high regard as Clerks II. And as I gave that film a B+, I think that means Zack and Miri Make a Porno gets a B from me.

Go Cards! (Eat Here at Your Own Risk)

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

When the Metro Department of Public Health and Wellness hands you a "C" grade for sanitation that you're required to post in a public place, you disguise it with sports team pride:



Personally, I don't know why the failblog calls that a fail. I call it pretty damn clever.

What You Get for Not Handing Out Cyber Candy

Happy Halloween, all!

Celebrate by stomping out the Flaming Bag of Poo!

When 221 Just Isn't Enough

I'm trying to continue the Halloween theme of the week, this time loosely, I admit. But it is a tale of a grisly murder, so there you go!

I was familiar with the Huffington Post before hearing about this story, but I had never heard of its political blogger Carol Anne Burger. Apparently, she commited suicide a few days after (police believe) committing a murder. She stabbed someone 222 times!

Holy crap!

Can a human body have 222 stab wounds in it and still in any way resemble a human body? Michael Myers couldn't put 222 stab wounds in a victim!

Can you imagine being the coroner having to perform that autopsy? "Wound #132 transects the collar bone 3.5 centimeters left of the spine, at a 35 degree angle. Wound #133..." (Okay, maybe I've watched too much CSI.)

The Great Pumpkins

I saw my first Christmas-related commercial on television tonight. And I refuse to let Christmas encroach yet another week or two earlier into the year. So, to be festive for the proper October holiday, I bring you this gallery of specially-carved pumpkins, courtesy of the Chicago Tribune. (And of FKL, who sent me the link.)

I'm partial to 1, 4, 14, 17, and 20 myself.

Trick or Tipitaka

Don't come by my house on Halloween night trick or treating. I probably won't be home. So I definitely won't be giving out candy. Not even this:



Aabh can come around and correct me on this, but I believe the bag says "Daibutsu-sama no hanakuso" -- that is "Snot from the Nose of the Great Buddha."

Yum.

Get Your Kicks In 66.6

Halloween is nearly here. So this would be a good week to head over to FEARnet.com and check out their 66.6 Second Film Festival. It's a series of famous horror movies cut down to just over one minute of running time. They're not as amusing and snarky as the What the Frak Happened on BSG? series, but they'll save you a lot of time.

/V\ |_| Я [) 3 Я !!!!

Chances are pretty good that if you're reading my blog, you are now or have been pretty deeply into some video game. But I'm guessing you've never been arrested over it.

The above link tells the tale of a woman from Japan who's involved in a "Second Life"-type game. She became so enraged when her cyber-husband divorced her that she hacked his account and deleted his character. Or, as the article dramatically puts it, she retaliated by "murdering" her ex-husband.

Regardless of whether you could actually dub the virtual crime as murder, she was jailed for a real one: "illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data." Basically, she was Richard Pryor in Superman III or something, but without actually making any money.

But she sure showed that bastard "ex-husband."

Bathroom Reading

According to this random study by some British internet provider, 1 in 10 people admit to having surfed the internet while on the toilet. (Well, they said "on the loo." Isn't that just so British?)

My blog is pretty tiny, but I know I have more than 10 regular readers. So odds are at least one of you has read me while sitting on the toilet. Maybe you're doing it right now, even.

Ew.

Oh, and as a footnote, notice that the product director at this internet service provider is named Neil Armstrong. You think the odds are he's more than 39 years old? In other words, how cruel do you think his parents are? What could that kid possibly grow up to do with his life that could measure up with walking on the freaking moon?

They're just setting him up for a lifetime of disappointment.

Screwy Decimal System

Here's a short, weird article about how libraries are becoming "happening places." Two things about this struck me as funny.

1) The mention that people at the library can play Guitar Hero. This just seems so wrong to me. I mean, I know music education is ever on the decline in our school system, and I do think that sucks. But I don't think Guitar Hero offers that much in the way of music education, and call me old fashioned, but I do think of the library as a place primarily for learning.

2) This totally reminds me of Eddie Izzard's comedy routine (so many things do), in this case about how the banning of smoking from bars would soon lead to no drinking and no talking in bars. Next thing you know, the libraries would become the hot spots. (Puff on joint.) "I don't know where that book could be, man." Scary that that's so close to becoming true.

Stop Sending Me Election Mail!

Every single day for the last several weeks, my mailbox has been stuffed with flyers, pamphlets, brochures... miscellaneous crap from this candidate or that activist group trying to get me to vote for this person, or against that issue, or what not. Par for the course at this time of year, naturally. I'm sure if you live in the U.S. right now, you could tell the same story.

The thing that annoys me, though: I've already voted. I mailed in my ballot last weekend. It's done. And I wish I could tell these jerks mailing me all this crap. I mean, not that I actually wanted any of it before I voted, but now it's even more pointless. I wish there was someone I could scream at to say:

Stop sending me this junk! Save some trees! Donate the money you're spending in postage to me to some charity or something. Stop trying to act like you're doing good for society and actual do some good for society!!!

Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi...

...I need a wheel man.

I was mildly entertained by this brief news story about a woman who robbed a bank in a Star Wars costume. But I was more annoyed by the lazy reporting that failed to tell us what Star Wars costume.

Judging by the photo, I'm thinking (hoping) it wasn't as Slave Leia.

But seriously, was she dressed as a stormtrooper? Chewbacca? Chief Chirpa?

We may never know.

The Price

Football coverage postponed this week's broadcast of Prison Break here in Denver, but tonight I was able to catch up with the new episode. It was rather worth the wait, fortunately.

First and foremost, we had the demise of the most annoying character on the show, that annoying Tech Guy (whose name I won't even bother to try remembering). I think the writers were trying to have him be sort of like Marshall from Alias, but it so didn't work. Whether it was part of the writers' original plan to kill him off, or they just arrived at the decision to do so after watching the character fail, the right decision was made either way. The only bad thing about the death was how they tried to kind of make a "moment" out of the death of this character we actively despised.

But the episode also included another death with a far more effective impact, as we saw flashbacks of Sara being held captive by Gretchen. The execution of the guard who helped Sara escape was a great plot thread all around. It was an effective emotional beat for the character, and storywise it explained how it was that Sara even managed to escape (with head attached) in the first place. This might well have been the best story of the season so far not given to the character of Mahone.

In truest Prison Break fashion, the show ended with things seeming to come unraveled. Just when the sixth keycard was in reach, "the General" got wise to the plan, and is now preparing to move Scylla's hiding place. Sometimes it hasn't always seemed realistic or fair when the "finish line" has moved on Our Heroes in seasons past, but this time it felt pretty natural. It's nice when the bad guys can be as clever as the protagonists. In any case, something needed to happen to keep this season's story from apparently wrapping up in less than 10 episodes. (Not that any of us actually thought that would happen.)

Now the biggest question: will the World Series mean no new episode next week?

Strong Lead

This restaurant critic writes a much better headline than an article. I mean, that headline will stop your web browsing dead in its tracks, but I couldn't make it through even a third of the lengthy crap that followed.

The Zombie-field Project

This afternoon, I went to see Quarantine, the new zombie-themed horror movie fashioned in the style of Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project. It was a bit of a mixed bag, as you might well expect, with both good and bad elements to it.

The story didn't really offer all that much. The plot was really just frame for holding a dozen or so suspense sequences. And nearly all of those sequences, you've seen in some other movie before. The film relied more on sudden scares than prolonged suspense, but it did indeed have moments of both, and you don't always get the latter in these kinds of movies.

The thing that really shined in the movie, though, was the acting. In particular, Jennifer Carpenter (whom you may have seen as the title character in The Exorcism of Emily Rose) is rather extraordinary in the last 15 minutes of the movie. Her character goes into full-on, uncontrollable panic, and is very convincingly scared out of her mind. Knowing how movie sequences are filmed, with the same scene being filmed for take after take, it's truly impressive that she could have found the energy to portray such hysteria.

To the movie's detriment, however, is the trailer. I've often complained about trailers that feel like they ruin movies. This movie's trailer literally showed the final seconds of the movie. Granted, this was a predictable enough movie that I'm sure most of the audience would see the inevitable end coming. Nevertheless, to actually center your promotions around the final five seconds of the film? Ludicrous!

All told, I give it a C+. If you enjoy horror movies, you might well find a few things to like in this movie -- later on, on DVD. But I'm not really going to recommend it.

Thank You Kindly, Mamet

Though I've read and seen a lot of plays, I'd somehow never got around to the very well-known Glengarry Glen Ross, by David Mamet (neither the original play nor the film adaptation). I rectified this situation last night, going back to the Denver Center Theater Company (the group also performing the wonderful Noises Off right now) to see their new production.

This is a very enjoyable play. It's stuffed to bursting with the signature David Mamet style of dialogue -- lots of quick patter, characters interrupting one another and shutting down attempts to be interrupted, copious (but precise) use of cursing, and loads more lurking in the subtext.

I've heard the film version is different in several ways, significantly in that it tries harder to paint some of the characters as sympathetic. In the play, I didn't find any of them particularly so. I felt the audience was kept at arm's length, as if to sit there and say, "man, these people...." But this approach was a very good one for the play, and provoked a lot of discussion afterward between me and the person I went with. I was less drawn in emotionally, but more deeply drawn in intellectually.

The story seems a particularly appropriate one to be telling right now, given the financial/housing crisis in the U.S. It's a mid-1980s tale of greed, about sleazy salesmen pushing worthless property on easy marks. They work over clients and each other in this furiously paced story.

This production was even faster than the norm, as the traditionally two-act play was presented in 90 minutes without intermission. Having seen it this way, I can scarcely imagine it with the break. It just worked so well for the story to plunge ahead without leaving the audience time to think, just as the salesman plunge ahead and don't leave their marks time to think as they're coerced into a deal.

The cast was quite good, but of course much of the discussion I had with my friend after the show was about which famous actors played which roles in the film adaptation. I must say, that movie now goes on "The List"; I most definitely want to catch it on DVD at some point.

In any case, I've had two consecutive great Friday nights at the theater.

New Adjustments

The place where I work just moved offices this week, a relocation into a larger space elsewhere in the building. Along with the new digs came new desks, chairs, and other furnishings.

Attached to all the new chairs was this manual explaining how to adjust all the controls:


Can you imagine what the world would be like if all user manuals were shaped like the products for which they're providing instructions?

Denial Tone

Last night at trivia, while I was walking one of our team's answers up to turn into the host, I bumped my leg into the corner of a table. I didn't hit so hard that it hurt, but I do remember vaguely thinking at the time, "damn, I hit that pretty hard there." Yet I thought nothing more of it after another second or two.

That is, until I got home and took my cell phone out of my pocket:



I've known a lot of people who have had cracked screens on their phones, or even accidentally washed them in the laundry, but nothing like that had ever happened to me before. The phone actually still works just fine, but nevertheless... well...

Dammit.

So now begins the little unintentional experiment on myself. How much is this going to bother me? I've got about six months left on my current cell phone contract. If I can hang on until then, I can just get another phone, undoubtedly more featured and generally better than this phone, for free. But if I decide before then that this completely cosmetic thing demands I "upgrade the apparatus," that's going to cost me... well, probably a couple hundred dollars at least, right?

Must deny stupid impulse.

Dammit.

Nope, Got Nothing Tonight

Nice Doggie

Sangediver just posted about a fun, time-wasting web game with physics (knowing how much I love bragging about physics in video games). So I have to up the ante.

Behold, the ultimate internet waste-of-time game: Don't Shoot the Puppy.

I can't make it past level 7 myself.

A Public Service Announcement

Alright, U.S. residents of legal voting age. I'be just received my mail-in ballot for our election that's now just three weeks away, and I figure some of you might be doing the same right about now. So it's time for us to talk. I'm going to tell you how to vote.

Intelligently.

Some people go on about how important it is that everyone vote, and how they don't care how you vote so long as you vote. I say that's all crap. Know what the hell you're voting for. If you don't know, make an effort to learn.

For the presidential race, FactCheck.org is a wonderful, impartial resource that calls out all the half-truths, exaggerations, and outright lies of the candidates, as presented in their ads and in the various debates. If you don't (or do) want to cast your ballot for a particular candidate because of "Reason X," make sure that "Reason X" is actually true.

For ballot initiatives up in your state, read up on them. If you live in Colorado, here's where you do that -- it's a complete presentation of the language of each amendment and referendum, an analysis of how it will affect government spending, and an articulate list of arguments for and against each item as written by supporters of either side. If you're not a Colorado resident, your state almost certainly has something similar. Go find it. Google is your friend.

And back to my original point. If you're uninformed, or just unsure, don't vote. It's okay to vote on some things and leave other things blank.

Don't do anything stupid, okay?

Thank you.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love licorice. Not the vile, black actual licorice, but strawberry, cherry, what-have-you. I'm not too picky beyond that, yet I do have a particular favorite. And I can only get it in the month running up to Halloween.

I love Twizzlers. But not just any Twizzlers. See, you can get "individually wrapped" Twizzlers all year round, but the fact is they really are just identical to the long "vines" you can get in a full-sized bag. Tasty, sure... but not the stuff.

But for Halloween candy, Twizzlers makes these:



And I am telling you, these are not the same. The recipe is different, or there's something different that happens with the chewiness and juiciness of these things when they're cut "fatter." In any case, in the Licorice Kingdom, these things are so far beyond regular Twizzlers that they make regular Twizzlers seem like a box of Good N' Plenty. (AKA "Foul N' Nasty.")

But the bastards at the Twizzler factory only make these for Halloween, so I have to buy a pallet's worth and squirrel them away for as long as I can.

They don't usually last until Thanksgiving.

Bring Da Noise

Last night, I went to see the Denver Center Theater Company's production of Noises Off. This play by Michael Frayn is one of my very favorites.

It's a three act comedy about a theater company putting on a British sex farce. The play follows the company through dress rehearsal and on to a disastrous tour around the UK. In each act, we see the same opening act of the fictitious play-within-the-play being performed, becoming progressively more of a train wreck. In addition to the great humor that comes from the repetition and subtle variation, the second act actually shows all the action from backstage; the set itself is rotated to allow we the audience to see the chaos going on literally behind the scenes at a performance.

I first became aware of the play through a film version that was made in the early 90s, with a pretty great cast including Carol Burnett, Michael Caine, John Ritter, Christopher Reeve, and more. You find opinions on that film mixed if you look for reviews, but I thought it was great (even if it did lose a lot of the "meta" level of the humor in the transition from stage to film, and get a stupid Hollywood ending tacked on).

I loved it so much that I pushed for my high school to perform it, and we did so shortly before I graduated. We quite honestly bit off a little more than we could chew on that one, though I think we did a decent enough job. (I think. Actually, I have a VHS tape of one of our performances hiding in a box somewhere. I'd probably better not dare to dig that out and shatter the happy illusion of my memory.)

Anyway, point being, I'm in love with this play, and when I heard someone was doing it here in Denver, I had to go... even suspecting that no production could likely live up to my grand opinions of the play.

And yet, it did!

Noises Off is just a funny, funny play. And if you've ever had anything to do with the theater, it becomes almost supernaturally funny. I found that my familiarity with the piece didn't detract from that one bit.

There were maybe one or two performers in this cast I didn't quite love, but that was easily eclipsed by the other performers who were outstanding. Particularly great was the woman playing the part of Brooke, an airhead blonde actress who stalwartly sticks to the script even as the chaos rages around her. Put simply, I never realized how tremendously funny her part in the show could be until I saw this woman performing it.

Similarly, I think I never realized quite how funny the third and final act of the play could be. Act Two is really the showiest of the play, with a staggering to behold choreography of "backstage" chaos meshing with a "performance" of the fake play. Act Three, which returns to a normal view of another performance as it falls apart, always seemed a bit of a letdown to me after that. But not when I saw it last night. The cast managed to find a whole lot of humor, mining the material more deeply than I'd imagined possible.

In short, this play does not disappoint. If you're in or around Denver and can catch this production before it closes at the end of the month, I highly recommend it. Hell, let me know you're going and I'll go with you and see it again. If Denver's out of your radius, then keep an eye out for a theater company performing Noises Off somewhere near you.

Don't miss this play if you have the chance.

I Thought I Had It Bad

If you've followed my blog for a while, then you know that I've had far more than than my fair share of TV service rep problems. But at least I've never had a cable installer's error cause raw sewage to spill into my kitchen.

Though some people say that television is nothing but crap.

Goodnight, everybody! Don't forget to tip your servers!

More Than a Mouthful

When I was much younger, somewhere less than 10 years old (if I remember correctly), my uncle had a pet snake. I hate snakes, then and today, and didn't want to have anything to do with it. But I do have a vague recollection of once or twice watching him drop a live mouse into the tank to feed the snake.

I never saw anything like this: the lunch becomes the... uh, luncher.

I think if I ever had seen something like that at that age, I'd be more terrified of mice today than I am of snakes.

Mix Tape

This past weekend, I went to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I wasn't entirely sure I was going to do it; what I had seen from commercials and trailers gave me a "this seems pretty specifically made for teenagers" vibe. But I kept telling myself that it also had Michael Cera in it, and other signs that made me think it might have that sort of Juno and Superbad "but good at times for adults too" vibe. And that second voice won out.

But the first voice was right.

This wasn't an unfunny movie. It generally kept a smile on my face most of the time, and delivered a few big laughs here and there. It was peppered with some entertaining, small cameos from various comedians. It had some good characters and sharp dialogue.

And yet, the whole plot was a pretty simple "two people meant to be? will they? won't they?" sort of affair that never really crackled, and hardly ever even sparked. There was just something pretty boring to me about the story itself, doing little but to hold the jokes.

I couldn't help but feel like if I were 10 to 15 years younger, I might have found a lot more to like in it. But I didn't, and that made me feel even a little older. Which possibly even made me like it less?

Anyway, I rate it a C+.

Assault on the Undead

Recently, I tossed out a casual criticism of the board game Zombies, unintentionally sparking a little discussion. So I figured I'd explain myself a little better, and give a pseudo-review of Zombies.

It's been several years since I've played Zombies, and I have no intention of ever voluntarily playing it again. And involuntarily would have to be at actual gunpoint, or some similar duress. I'm not exaggerating here for humorous effect. I mean it. If we're at a party, and you say "let's play Zombies," I'm leaving your party. Point being, what I'm about to say is based on old recollections.

I've played Zombies twice. Once, it was with my co-workers (including this guy), people I played games with on a weekly basis for (at that point) something like four years. The other time, it was with my college friends (including this guy), people I'd known for (at that time) nearly ten years. In other words, these were both close groups of people that really enjoyed spending time together.

In both cases, the game of Zombies concluded with the players actually angry with each other. Not playful gamesmanship-type anger -- actual, full-voiced yelling with real venom.

Basically, it is the nature of Zombies that some players end up being the flies, and other players end up being the ones pulling the wings off the flies for fun. The game is mercilessly random, and that randomness inevitably sees at least one player bent over a barrel and miserable, and at least one player having the time of his life.

The problem is, just because one player is doing well doesn't mean he can actually win. Ample mechanisms are in place to gang up on a leader and shut him out of victory. The game then drags on. But the game also is devoid of any real "catch up" mechanism to get the player(s) bringing up the rear back into the game.

Eventually, whether it takes 30 minutes, 60, or more, you'll have one or more players who desperately, desperately want the game to end. They haven't had any fun, and they want it to be over. And you have other players who, instead of taking the game to its conclusion, do anything and everything they can to prolong the experience. "Experience" should be read as "torture" for the players in the first group.

And in both my experiences, these two groups ended up yelling at each other by the conclusion of the game.

No one should ever play this game for any reason. If I hadn't known the people I played it with as well as I do, I could actually see it having had a lasting, damaging effect on friendships -- that's how venomous the arguing became.

I prefer my random-ass dice games to have all the players winning or losing together, thank you very much.

Five the Hard Way

Tonight's episode of Prison Break was fairly entertaining, even though not the best the show can offer. Fracturing the group seemed to be a pretty good technique in this episode, again breaking up what would otherwise be a monotonous gathering of "Scylla card" data.

Mahone gets to repay the rescue from last week right away, bailing Michael out when he's captured by T-Bag. That chunk of the story offered a few interesting character moments, like T-Bag's test of how far Scofield has fallen, but for the most part it was only moving plot forward.

The Vegas plot seemed like the more interesting one this week, not for its complexity or suspense, but because it used the characters well. It was a nice change of pace to see that the latest attempt to use Sarah as eye candy wouldn't work this time out, and better still to see Sucre in a job that (despite the initial impressions) turned out not to be pure comic relief. Plus, Linc let Sarah (and the audience) in on the details of Michael's nose bleeds.

Gretchen and T-Bag did make an interesting team, but I did find it a stretch (even for this show) that she would be so determined to look out for him so quickly. I had a hard time accepting that she'd be trying to bargain with Our Heroes for T-Bag at the end of the episode; it seemed more plausible that Gretchen would simply cut her losses and keep going. (Of course, that would see T-Bag off the show, and we can't have that.) Perhaps the writers will offer more justification for this in the next week or two.

Tons of Fun

This weekend, at my weekly game night, I played a game I hadn't played in a long, long time. It's called Oasis, and my copy hasn't been played in well over three years -- when I was living in Virginia several moves ago.

I suppose I could do a review of the game, but that wasn't really what I set out to say here. Instead, I wanted to share this chart on the game box that caught my attention:


The manufacturers rated the game on a scale of 1 to 10 for luck, strategy, and fun.

Fun?

Unsurprisingly, they gave the game a 10 for fun. Because who's gonna say about their own game, "you know, this is really only about a 9... it's just missing that last special something." Or better still, "are you kidding me, this game's a 1!" (Though that's what the creators of Zombies should say.)

A Religulous Experience

Today, I went to see Religulous, the new documentary film starring comedian Bill Maher. It's an examination (and a scathing one) of organized religion, and of the elements of various major faiths of the world.

As a piece of entertainment, I liked it. I laughed a lot; big laughs, small laughs, everything in between.

As a documentary, it's not very good. The movie does actually have a very reasonable point worthy of examination and discussion, but it doesn't really get around to making it until the last five minutes of the movie. It's laughs every minute to that point, and then the scary, operatic music kicks in for five minutes of deathly serious commentary. As I said, it's reasonable. But the tone of the movie doesn't really earn it.

And speaking of tones, Bill Maher's can be off-putting at times. I find him funny, personally. And I happen to agree with a lot of his views (which surely helps with the finding him funny). But his demeanor at times is pretty closed, even harsh. He doesn't seem to make much of an effort to win any hearts and minds among the subjects he interviews in the film, and it seems unlikely to me the assembled product will do so in a potential audience either.

Which is not wholly his fault as a "host," either. The actual assembly of the documentary film strikes me as wrong too, in terms of narrative. The first half of it is devoted to Christianity, pointing out the fairy tale-like nature of the material in the Bible, if one does take it literally (as many do). Later, it segues into a look at other faiths.

It seems to me that, knowing the bulk of the mostly American audience is going to be Christian, the film-as-an-argument would be better served by starting with the other religions. By starting with picking holes in the story of Jesus Christ, it seems to me the vast majority is going to switch off their minds or walk out of the movie altogether. But if you first poke a little fun at Scientology, Mormonism, and Islam, you can sort of "ease" the crowd into things before turning the magnifying glass on Christianity.

But let me come full circle here. Despite my quibbles with the ordering of the film, despite my concerns that Bill Maher will dillute his message because of his demeanor, the film is funny. And given that he's a comedian, I choose to take that as the main element of the movie. I rate it a B.

Pumpkin Partying Hard

Halloween is coming four weeks from tonight. I for one am sad that I didn't think of this:



If you are also lacking in pumpkin carving creativity, you might get some ideas here.

Baby's First Drum Beat

The kid in this video is two years old:



And even when he drops the sticks at one point, after they're handed back to him, he just starts rocking again.

Kind of unnerving.

Debate Bingo, The Expansion

So, did you have fun last week playing Presidential Debate Bingo? For myself, I did alright last week. I played five cards, and one of them turned out a winner, 37 minutes into the debate. (Thanks, John McCain, for mentioning "Senator Clinton.")

Well, the fun's just getting started, because here's a vice presidential version, this time with separate cards for the different "competitors," Biden and Palin.

Intriguing new gameplay! It's like an expansion set!

Tweezed to Death

Just when some semblance of sanity was creepy back into airport security screening, and we were being allowed to carry simple things like tweezers in our carry-on bags again, some jerk has to go and prove that tweezers are lethal.

Dammit.

Blow Out

Tonight brought a pretty good episode of Prison Break.

The story had Mahone in the central role, and William Fichtner continued to deliver the high caliber performance he's brought so far this season.

The formula of recent weeks was broken up, with this week's "Scylla card heist" already in progress as the episode opened. This story instead focused on the fallout after the job, giving us some welcome variety.

Gretchen thankfully took a step toward being a more real character. After last season spent doing nothing but mustache twirling, and this season (so far) being tortured, I'm very glad she's on the loose and apparently will be given different material to work with. It also helps to hook her up with T-Bag; he needs another main character in his story.

The annoying Tech Guy was hardly in this episode. Yay.

They are running through these Scylla card holders awfully quick, though. I sure hope the writers have a plan for where the rest of the season will go after this is all wrapped up -- which is looking like it may be in just two more short weeks from now.

Heimlich at the Theater

This weekend, I went to see Choke, a movie based on the Chuck Palahniuk novel of the same title. (I've reviewed a couple of his books here before -- and am about to start reading another -- but not this book in particular.)

As with all his stories, this one is a strange concoction of a number of ideas, characters, and settings. This time, it touches on working in an historical recreation camp, choking in public for the rush of love from a total stranger saving your life, sex addiction, and an already crazy mother suffering from increasing dementia in her old age. It actually all holds together pretty well within the short 90 minutes of the film. Nothing major jumped out in my mind as having been cut from the book, and what was on the screen felt like a pretty faithful adaptation of what I remembered.

The two major performances, from Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston, are rock solid. They're funny, compelling, entertaining, and serious, all in turn, when needed. They make the ride enjoyable.

But there is a price for a faithful adaptation of a book, and that is that is suffers from the weak ending the book had. To be honest, I'm not sure what ending I think the book should have had. It's such a strange blend of ideas pouring out one after another, nothing probably could have but a bow on the whole thing. The climax is ultimately about the main character finally "finding himself" (and in quite a memorable way), but it doesn't really pack the cathartic punch of the end of Fight Club; it just sort of ends.

And speaking of Fight Club, I feel the hand of David Fincher missing here. The director of this film does a capable enough job, and does either coax his actors in good performances or gets out of their way so they can provide them themselves. But the director is also pretty invisible here. Sometimes, a film is better for not having a director infuse his style into the proceedings unnecessarily, but I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk story really wants that.

Still, it's a lot of fun, even if not revelatory. But then again, who knows? I actually didn't like Fight Club very much when I saw it in the theater. But for some reason, I watched it again later on DVD, and then somehow it became one of my favorite movies. Perhaps there's a chance I'll think better of Choke later on?

I'm guessing probably not. But it's not bad. I give it a B-.

Gotta Go

I'm sure this is going to come off very weird to some of you, but here it goes anyway...

I work in a multi-story office building with a few offices on each floor. The bathrooms are out in the main lobby area of each floor, so you have to leave my actual office area when you need to use it. And I swear to you, every time I go, I find this one particular co-worker already there, or just leaving.

If this was just a handful of times, I'm sure I would never taken any notice of it. I mean, guys, you know how it is with the public restrooms -- cone of silence, severe and stern, and all that, even in a semi-private public restroom. But day in, day out, any hour of the day, for weeks on end, this guy is always there.

So, are we on some kind of creepy synchronized bladder cycle, or is this guy going so often that it's just inevitable I'd run into him all the time?

A better question still would be, why am I devoting any brain time to this?

Fierce Dragon

I realized this morning that I neglected to post anything here last night. Shame on me! I got home late from an evening playing games with friends and, for a few minutes, watching them torment their little dog:


They said something about how dogs that size are made to be dressed up at least from time to time (questionable), and how they spoil the dog rotten most of the time, so it deserves a little torment now and then (absolutely true).

B-I-N-G-O

The first debate between the two major U.S. presidential candidates may or may not happen tomorrow night. (Depending on whether a resolution on the government financial bailout package is reached, or, if not, on whether John McCain decides to go through with the debate as originally scheduled.)

Since this political process has become such a game for both sides, Republican and Democrat, I believe We the People should treat it as such. To that end, I encourage everyone to go print out a few Presidential Debate Bingo cards.

With classic numbers like B-8 and N-34 replaced with likely-to-be-uttered phrases and terms like "earmarks," "my wife," "reach across the aisle," "Wall Street," "offshore drilling," and so forth, you can turn the debate into an interactive experience, perhaps capped by you standing up in your living room and triumphantly shouting BINGO!

And in the process, you may find yourself scrutinizing for content a little more than you otherwise would. So double good there.

Assuming we actually have a debate tomorrow night, of course. Otherwise, you can hang on to those cards for next time.

TV Flashback

It's like TV networks have traveled back in time this season. On the air right now, we've got Knight Rider, 90210... and, of course, The Simpsons (which hasn't really been good for a few seasons.)

Speaking of Knight Rider... I had no intention of ever watching a single minute of this show, but tonight I had the TV on following the brief presidential address. I was doing house stuff like unloading the dishwasher before heading out the door to meet some friends. Just as I'm about to go, my mind actually registers what's on the TV screen:

The car is flying down the highway on fire. Inside, the hero and some heroine have stripped down to their underwear in an effort to make the high temperatures more bearable. This all hardly 10 minutes into the episode.

This is all they've got. Who needs a plot when you can show your stars nearly naked for no reason?

New, But Apparently Not Improved

I recently saw a very interesting, though not unique movie. To explain that opening, first a story...

Nearly four decades ago, Anthony Shaffer (brother of Amadeus playwright Peter, and an accomplished playwright himself) wrote a two-man play called Sleuth. It's the tale of an older man whose wife has left him for a younger man. The two men confront one another in the play, each playing twisted games to try and get inside the other's mind. In very short order, the play was made into a film, starring Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine.

Last year, some 35 years later, the film was made again. Michael Caine returned to star in it, this time as the older man. Jude Law took over Caine's role from the original film. Yet another famous playwright, Harold Pinter, worked the original into a new script, and acclaimed actor/director Kenneth Brannagh took on the directing of this new film.

In short, this thing has an indescribably good pedigree.

It is a very enjoyable movie, for the most part. It's not a bad thing that it very much shows its roots as a simple play. But unfortunately, it comes off as a three-act play with a weak and even illogical final act.

The opening and middle parts of this slim 90-minute movie are really exceptional. I probably don't have to tell you that the acting is superb. The story is twisted, the characters compelling, and the machinations of it all excite the mind and get you on the edge of your seat.

But then there's that final act. The characters seem to veer off into silly and unbelievable territory. The sharp edge of the wit dulls. After a few shocking turns during the bulk of the film, the ending comes as little surprise at all. It doesn't piss away all of its goodwill, but it does leave you sadly wondering what might have been.

Yet perhaps I don't have to wonder. There's an original play and film out there to be seen someday. And that film, as it turns out, is regarded by many to be a veritable classic -- critic raves are just strewn about on that film, and it's in the top 200 films at IMDB (if you put weight in such things). Could it be that the flaws I found in this remake were simply introduced in this modernization?

The thing is, I certainly liked enough of this movie to want to seek out the more generally favored versions and see for myself. When I do, I'll be sure to share the results.

In the meantime, you can take my review of the newer incarnation, which is to call a derailed "A" of a movie a B- overall.

Eagles and Angels / Safe and Sound

Thanks to last week's internet calamity, I didn't get to comment on last week's Prison Break episode. So let me toss a few quick remarks about that before forging ahead into this week's installment.

Last week was a pretty pedestrian episode of the show. I would have thought it merely average, but it strayed into decidedly below average territory with the Sara plotline. Yes, she is a recovering addict, and yes, her trip to a bar while under stress is believable. But to have endured what she did at the hands of the Company, escaped, and lived for a time on the run, she also has to be smart. And we saw in the first couple seasons, she can be smart. Usually is. Which is why it's so painful and such a disservice to her freshly resurrected character to make her so dumb for the Company Hitman to be led to her.

Or, in a nutshell, I'm disappointed in the writers for it being the "girl" responsible for screwing up and leading The Killer to them.

But on to this week...

Things moved a little better this time. Sara found her brain again, and had a nice few moments of working together with Mahone. (That stupid new tech guy was involved too, but we all hate him.) We also got to see Mahone out being a badass like he was back in the days of season two, figuring out how to track someone with his ultra-keen instincts.

This week's Scylla caper was entertaining, though it is getting a little tired already seeing Sucre and Bellick used as bumbling comic relief. (Well, Sucre, anyway. Bellick was made for that stuff.)

Interesting to learn that whatever Michael's nose bleeds are all about, it's a condition Linc was already aware of. But the "warm climate" excuse begs the question why this didn't come up down in Panama. (Other than, you know, the plot device not having been thought of yet.)

And I'm glad Gretchen is now on the loose, so we don't have to watch the weekly torture session with her anymore. Oh... did anyone else think that guy's scream sounded like a TIE Fighter when she jammed that nail into him?

Anyway, an overall improvement, I'd say. But I'd still like things to keep getting better. I think more focus on Mahone will help that. His story has been the best thing about the season so far, and William Fichtner deserves it after the fairly lackluster material given him in season three.

And the Emmy Goes To...

Every year, I kick out a few thoughts on the Emmy award ceremony. Why should this year be any different?

Jeff Probst is apparently too cool for a tie. All the other reality show nominees/hosts wore one in the intro, including Heidi Klum. Probst couldn't be bothered.

And speaking of Heidi Klum -- she, of course, had to change outfits about 47 times throughout the broadcast. All her co-hosts, of course, did not.

William Shatner is still getting women out of their clothes after over forty years on television.

As each category was introduced, they quickly flashed a few names and photos of past winners in the category. A very dreary contest of who's featured and who's left out, if you ask me.

The whole business of rolling out recreations of sets from old television shows, accompanied by lengthy clips from said show, was the height of annoying. Sure, we all love these shows... but that's why we actually watched them when they were on the air. We don't need to watch three minute chunks of them now. Especially when it's sure to cut into the time in which winners get to speak. (And it did.)

Maybe the people who costume the Desperate Housewives on their show should have come up with their dresses for the award show. The consensus among those watching at my place was that only Dana Delaney looked good.

Ricky Gervais was awesome. Funny and awkward. Naturally.

Every year, the guy who directs the Oscars gets nominated for -- and wins -- an Emmy. Then we get to watch him stupidly try to give an acceptance speech and direct the Emmy show at the same time. This needs to stop. Let somebody else win this category, for crying out loud.

Steve Martin was great, as was the tribute to Tommy Smothers, as was the man Tommy Smothers himself.

Sadly, the same could not be said of the all the Laugh-In gang. Lily Tomlin's still got it. Some of the others didn't even look as though they quite knew where they were.

Though they weren't even a fraction as awkward as that Josh Groben TV theme medley. That was like the worst lounge act in Vegas gone horribly, horribly wrong and televised for millions of viewers. Well, it started at millions. I think you could measure people tuning out as the bit rolled on. They should have got Bill Murray to do this bit.

The guy from the Television Academy (that was introduced by Martin Sheen) had comically ridiculous glasses. He looked like he came straight from his jeweler's shop to give his speech.

Christian Slater used to come off like he was doing a Jack Nicholson impression. Now I swear he comes off like he's doing an impression of Christian Slater doing an impression of Jack Nicholson.

Cheers to Stephen Colbert for making an impassioned case for shriveled up old prunes. And to Jon Stewart for managing (though only barely) not to laugh.

Speaking of Colbert, he predicted on his show that he'd lose a performance Emmy for the third year straight to an older, beloved icon of the business. He was right. Rickles!!!

Yeah to Candice Bergen for her loophole in the by-laws to introduce whatever category she wants.

Neat/interesting choice in the "Memoriam montage" to put George Carlin first and last.

The Amazing Race wins reality program again, as it has every year since the category was introduced. Yes, it's that good. It's that much above the baseness of all other reality television. And it starts next Sunday. (Plug over.)

Quite a night for Tina Fey. I'm now convinced that 30 Rock must have started getting good the week after I stopped watching in back in the first season. I've heard great things about it, but I tried it way back then for about a month and never could get on board.

And Mad Men. I've heard good things about that too, but it has slipped through the cracks thus far. Perhaps that needs to change.

Back Out to the Movies

It's been about a month since I've been out to see a movie. This has been entirely due to the poor quality of movies being released rather than a lack of time or interest. Partly out of this sort of boredom, when a friend called today and asked about seeing Ghost Town, I sort of figured "what the hell." It looked kind of schmaltzy, but also potentially funny.

Pleasantly, it turned out not to be too schmaltzy, and it was indeed pretty funny. Put simply, if you liked Ricky Gervais in The Office or Extras, you're going to like this movie. He's playing a similar kind of misanthrope, and uses his pitch perfect technique for saying the wrong things in hilarious ways. Tea Leoni and Greg Kinnear are both decent, good but not extraordinary. The movie really does all hang on the fact that both of them play off Ricky Gervais well in the movie.

Cause let's face it, you're not there for the plot. Self-centered career-oriented character goes through a change that allows him/her to see ghosts, who are now after him/her to help resolve personal business from their former lives. I think three movies might have been made with this plot last year. But the truth is, this script does have a lot of funny moments, and it's amped even more by some apparent improvisations.

To its credit, the movie keeps the funny tone most of the time, never lingering on the sentimental for too long, and only completely giving into it at the very end, when necessary to resolve the story.

I'd rate it a B-. Walking out of it, I think I was inclined to be even a bit more generous that that, but I think I'll chalk that up to the dearth of good movies of late. Still, it would make for a pretty enjoyable rental for you in the future, I think.

Two Faced

Tonight was another of those rare occasions that put me at a Major League Baseball game. It was the first night of the Rockies' final home stand of the season. As usual, I spent more time looking anywhere but the game itself.

The theme of the evening was "Fun with the Scoreboard." For example, there was this presentation for one of the players:


The thing that gets me here is, the photo in back (at the left) and the photo in front must be of the same guy. And yet, they look nothing alike. The background photo looks more like the Shroud of Turin to me than the player at the right.

Sadly, I wasn't fast enough with my camera to snap a picture of the misspelled caption "Cerimonial Opening Pitch," which must have been wrong all season long.

Time for Super Pursuit Mode

I don't know if you watched the new Knight Rider revival movie last spring. I tuned in for a few minutes, and found it unbearably awful. I've since had it confirmed by a few of my more foolish friends who actually stayed for the whole thing -- it was beyond terrible. And yet, in post-strike desperation, it's going to a regular series soon. They've been shooting episodes and NBC has been out promoting it.

The promotion apparently also included a recent stop in Toronto for the car, where (if you can believe this wasn't a staged viral marketing stunt) KITT was stolen by a quick-witted observer.

Here's the video. You be the judge:

Azeroth Terror Cell

From the Department of Be Afraid of Everyone and Everything, Everywhere, All the Time:

Now your entertainment and recreation time might be a place where the terrorists are out to get you, too! A Pentagon Researcher has crafted a scenario demonstrating how a terrorist cell might meet on World of Warcraft and use coded language to plan attacks on real world targets. You know, because terrorists don't want to take time away from their nightly guild raids to actually get together with each other and plan things.

To me, this quote from the article says it all:

But online spaces like World of Warcraft are making some spooks, generals and Congressmen extremely nervous. They imagine terrorists rehearsing attacks in these worlds...

Yes, "they imagine" being the operate words here. Clearly, these people have very overactive imaginations.

A Hopeless Qwest

It began last Monday.

I received a phone call out of the blue, in the middle of the day. While I was at work, mind you. Some phone number from Idaho, so surely some solicitor's call. But I decide to answer it anyway, to potentially chew out whoever it is for calling me.

It's some woman with Qwest, the company providing my television and internet service. Mind you, these are the people who've jacked me around several times before, the people whose service I would not even use if I had any choice in the matter at all -- but my condo complex is in some sort of exclusive contract and so there aren't even any actual cable lines running into it.

They're going to be upgrading the lines connecting to my home, she tells me. This is at no charge to me. The upgrade will be taking place that Friday. On that same day, I should expect a CD in the mail. I need to run this CD to reconfigure my modem settings, she tells me, or my service may be interrupted.

Fine, fine.... I'm at work, so I hang up with her as quickly as I can, and forget about the matter.

Friday rolls around, and I get home from work and boot up the computer for some thing or other. No internet. And that's when I remember, oh yes! That disc! So I go to my mailbox.

There's nothing in it.

I call the Qwest tech support line and explain the whole story. The operator starts in on this Dick-and-Jane nonsense about "check that your cord is plugged into the wall," and such. "No," I interrupt, "I'm supposed to be receiving this disc, and it didn't come."

After bouncing around between three departments and operators for over an hour, I finally get a hold of someone who says the disc will be Next Day Aired to me. I point out that the "Next Day" is a Saturday, so if it's not marked Saturday delivery, I won't receive anything. "Oh, it'll come Saturday," she assures me.

Saturday arrives. No disc.

I now recall that the woman who started this stupid affair did not have a blocked Caller ID. If I haven't received too many phone calls since Monday, her number will still be in my phone. And thankfully, there it was. Of course, it being the weekend, there's no answer. But I leave her an appropriately angry message and tell her to get in touch with me.

Monday rolls around. No call. I call her twice more. Nothing but voice mail.

Finally, in the early afternoon, I hear from her. She's positively confounded about what could have happened. I tell her something to the effect of "well, your plan was stupid, that's what happened." First, you've decided to "upgrade" me when I didn't ask for anything of the kind. Then, you decided to perform this upgrade that required some kind of disc installation, without first making sure I actually received said disc. And then, you scheduled it on a Friday, ensuring that if anything did go wrong, no one would be able to fix it for me all weekend.

Well, she tells me, the disc is not strictly necessary. "It's just an automated way that your modem settings will be configured. We can conference in a tech support operator to make the changes manually." Why the tech support operator couldn't have gotten into this on Friday night, I don't know, but yes, let's get this done.

The operator comes on, we go through the reconfiguration. Nothing. A blinking connectivity light on my modem. "Oh," says the techie, "that means there's no signal actually even reaching the modem." And then we start in on how they'll need to send someone out to my house, and it'll be an appointment some time between 1:00 and 5:00 pm, and I or someone over 18 will need to be home for that.

Hold on a second. You didn't need to come into my home when you screwed this up in the first place. There's no way you should need to get in there to put it back. We go back and forth on this point for a bit before they agree that yes, they'll send a tech to check the outside lines and such even without me there.

We hang up with the techie then, and the woman who started this mess tries to apologize some more. "We've done hundreds of upgrades like this and there's never been a problem before. I don't know what could have happened."

I don't care, I tell her. But you're going to be compensating me for all of this nonsense. To her credit, she agrees immediately -- the first good point in this entire affair.

Today, around 4:00 in the afternoon, I get a call from the "on site" techie who has come out to check my lines. He asks if I'm home. I tell him, no, and I was told I wouldn't have to be.

"Oh, you don't," he says. "I was just hoping to come in and double check, but I've already looked outside, and there was..." [insert jargonese here] The thrust of it being that when he looked at the connection, there was something immediately and obviously connected wrong, and so no signal was reaching my place. He's fixed it already, so everything should be working now. To his credit, he also tells me I can call him personally that evening when I get home if I have any problems.

But when I did come home, everything was indeed working. So some complete idiot plugged things in wrong on Friday, and consequently I spent four days without my internet connection. Someone related to the Qwest idiots who kept screwing up my DirecTV service, one might think.

I left another message with the Originator Woman tonight, telling her I was finally back in business, and that I expect to be seeing that credit on my bill.

I still haven't received that mythical CD, by mail or overnight shipping.

What I do have is yet another service nightmare involving Qwest, starring technical staff completely incapable of doing their jobs.

I have no choice but to use Qwest where I live. If you do have a choice, I would implore you not to use them. Any other option would have to be better.

Service Outage

For any of you who might have been concerned about my sudden silence over the last few days, don't worry -- nothing has happened to me.

Something has happened to my internet connectivity, however. A long and irritating story which, sadly, is still in progress. I hope to be back in daily action soon, but it's out of my hands...

Quoi?

Here's some frakking bizarre news out of Paris: a dog has been allowed to appear as a witness in a murder trial. And I thought the United States justice system was messed up at times.

Is it not the right of the accused in France to be able to cross-examine witnesses against you? How do you cross-examine a dog?

The dog apparently barked when confronted with the accused party. Can't a dog be coached to bark and growl as a response to people it doesn't know? How can you determine if the dog was coached or not?

Couldn't you run this bizarre little experiment outside the courtroom, with a vet or a cop or somebody supervising the dog, then put the person on the stand to testify as to the results? And then that person could be cross-examined, where s/he would then have to testify in cross-examination (under penalty of perjury) that the dog was not coached. And also, to be forced to admit that the fact the dog barked doesn't actually mean anything at all!

Apparently, the French judge praised the animal for his "exemplary behaviour and invaluable assistance." Could that possibly be an actual direct quote, as cited in the story? Wouldn't it really have been something more like "whoza good witness?! You are! Yes you are!"

Lunacy.

Fowl Stench

I recently finished reading the newest book in the Artemis Fowl children's series, The Time Paradox. To be blunt, I pretty much hated it.

I was coming here to say that I'd liked it far less than any of the previous books, but then I learned that I didn't like the last one all that much. And somehow, I'd completely forgotten that fact, which I guess shows you how little a lasting impression it made on me. Apparently, I said at the time that the last book probably marked the end of the trail for me and Artemis Fowl books.

Now you can cross out that "probably." The first two or three books of the series were fun. Briskly paced and entertaining despite being fully aimed at a young audience, there was something just escapist and innocuous about them. But now the writer has just become lazy.

The Time Paradox is basically the plot of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Artemis faces a crisis in the present, for which the only resolution is to travel to the past and recover an extinct species of animal. But at least that Star Trek movie used a lot of humor and other good elements to mute the cudgel of its message -- it entertained as it preached.

I consider myself to be at least a moderately pro-environmentalist type person, but I found myself getting annoyed with this book at times. Besides the extinction plot itself, the book frequently drops references to carbon footprints, energy conservation, and more. I'm fine with a book having a message. But if it's going to be a work of fiction, I believe the author has a duty to cloak these things in some semblance of plot or, better still, allegory. No such luck here.

Ham-fisted and manipulative, I think I'd find this book vaguely insulting even if I were of the let's-say-early-teen target age. Whatever I found to like early in the series was long gone here. This is surely a book I would never have finished, had it not been so short. It came perilously close to undermining the fact I enjoyed the early books of the series in the first place.

Don't read this.

Shut Down / Fringe

Due to the Denver FOX affiliate opting to simulcast last night's Broncos game, it was only tonight that this week's episode of Prison Break aired.

It was a pretty average episode -- nothing really great in it, but neither anything to really discourage the hope I'd started to have last week about the revitalization of the show.

William Fichtner's performance as Mahone tonight was especially good, but then he always delivers when given good material. I found it less plausible that Linc would suddenly abandon his "you killed my father" vendetta against Mahone just because the man lost his son, but... shrug.

Where Fichtner's acting shone bright, new-to-the-show Michael Rapaport's acting seemed pretty feeble. I hate to say it, because I've like this guy on other shows (such as Boston Public), but he seems way miscast in this part. It seems like his character is destined to spend a lot of time badgering and threatening Scofield. But he comes off far to meek to be credible at this, especially given how strong we know Scofield is from having watched him for three seasons. I think New Guy is just gonna get plowed over.

We'll see if things pick up more next week.

A quick footnote, though, as long as I'm talking about FOX television. Tonight marked the premiere of J.J. Abrams' latest creation, Fringe. After the pilot episode, I find myself a lot less enthusiastic about this series than I was about his past efforts. I remember liking Lost and Alias right out of the gate. Hell, I even thought Felicity started strong. (Yes, snicker if you like -- I watched Felicity. It was a good show.)

After about the first half of the Fringe pilot, I was seriously contemplating turning it off. The pace was slow, the story didn't seem solid, and none of the characters were really popping for me. I am glad I stuck it through, though, because the second half really did improve. Things got tighter and more interesting. It didn't leave me eager for another episode, but it did at least leave me in a place where I think I will watch the next episode.

Again, we'll see if things pick up more next week.

Criminal Masterminds

Last Friday, the property manager of the office building where I work distributed this notice to all the businesses in the building:

This is an important message from [name of person and company deleted].

I want to bring your attention to a recent situation involving downtown buildings. We have had a pattern of thefts from office buildings downtown involving two males and possibly a female. They work by going into an office, distracting the staff and taking personal items from desks, sometimes computers, etc. We are also getting reports of empty or unoccupied office suites having items stolen from them. I will keep you posted as new developments occur.

First of all, there are three let's-call-them criminal masterminds (for reasons I'll get into momentarily) who have assembled for a crime spree and the best thing they can come up with is striking office buildings?

Secondly, how awesome are these thieves that they're managing to steal from "empty" office suites?! What are they stealing, the air?

And finally, how distracted do you have to be for someone to steal the computer right off the desk in front of you?! I mean, what the hell kind of distraction are they using?

Must have more details!

Goooooodnight, Everybody!

You just know the reporter for the Associated Press who wrote this short but sweet little story was loving the assignment. I truly hope he or she gets to keep his or her job. Who else will bring us gems like:

Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

and

...the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Of course, some credit must go to "22-year-old Antonio Vasquez" for actually doing this so that it could be reported on.

You Gotta Give Mad Proops

Last night, I went to see Greg Proops perform stand-up at the Comedy Works in Denver. For those keeping score, I've now seen three different cast members from Whose Line Is It Anyway perform live. And just as with that last time, this was a great night.

Greg Proops' time on stage seemed to be divided about half and half between prepared material he had and improvised stuff he was making up on the spot (like riffing on the comedy club's menu for ten minutes). I didn't find it surprising at all that someone with his background would "freestyle" so much on stage, but it did strike me that unlike many stand-up acts, it seemed like you can easily go to this one on consecutive nights and not really see the same show twice.

He seemed to be a bit drunk as he performed, but it certainly seemed to help him have as good a time as the audience, and definitely added to the show. Nor did it stop him from whipping out words like "lugubrious," or obscure references such as one to the play Amadeus (which only I and about four other people in the club got).

We went to the later show, which turned out to be a good thing, because he clearly ran longer than the expected time, and everyone just let him go. Partly, this was due to some drunken ass in the crowd who started screaming weird crap at one point. We got to see Greg Proops rip this guy a new one. He engaged the heckler quickly but firmly at first, but when the guy still wouldn't shut up, he launched into a twenty minute nuclear attack that left no trace behind -- and was raucously funny throughout.

The intended, prepared material he brought was just as engaging. At times highbrow (including a wide variety of great political humor), and at times not remotely so (long riffs on Lindsay Lohan and one legged girls), there were more great moments than I can remember. Literally. See, this was also one of the most "densely packed" performances I've ever seen. I feel as though even while I remember dozens of great bits from last night, I've already forgotten more funny moments than the average stand-up even delivers in a set.

And the icing on the cake -- though technically I guess I ate the icing off this metaphorical cake first -- was that the opening performers were also really enjoyable. Aside from the emcee (who had around ten minutes of his own material), there were two other stand-ups who filled another half hour or so between them. And we were all already laughing hard before Greg Proops ever took to the stage.

One of Proops' funnier bits was about how dumb blogs are, and how people should stop blogging. But then, if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell all of you how funny he was, nor encourage you all to see him perform if you ever have the chance.

Wendy's City

Because of the commercial-free bubble my DVR allows me to live in, I hadn't become aware of some of the new "Frosty technology" that's been unleashed at Wendy's fast food restaurants. Oh, I knew about the vanilla variant (and the swirled), but only as I rode through the drive-thru a couple nights ago in my friend's car did I learn they're now mixing candy bits in them, DQ Blizzard-style.

Without me bringing up this revelation, a co-worker of mine got to talking about these things at lunch today. Apparently, he thinks the "ice cream" used in a Frosty is the best known to man -- better than any soft serve he can think of. And candy in them?! In his words, "when goodness meets goodness? Man, that's greatness."

I wouldn't oversell it like that. But it wasn't not tasty.

My first Wendy's experience in obviously a long time was not dominated by the Frosty, though. It was the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger that got my attention more. See, I'd already eaten dinner by the time my friend pulled the car into the drive-thru, but I found myself just a little peckish. I figured one of these new Frosty concoctions and a JBC would about be right.

Well, honey, they've shrunk the cheeseburgers. This thing was basically a White Castle, without the ensuing gastric distress. It was so small, it was cute. Even in my "I'm not really hungry" state, I think I could have finished three of them, no problem.

It's likely none of this is news to any of you, but it was to me. So, in case this is a service to any would-be Wendy's goers, there's my report.

I'm Sick and Tired of These...

I'm not quite sure which is funnier: the fact that an actual incident of snakes on a plane occured today (well, okay, just the one snake), or the fact that the reporter of that article I just linked to actually mentioned the movie in the last paragraph.

"Echoed the plot"?? Would that be the part where a poisonous snake bites a guy in the crotch? Or the part where the ruthless criminal mastermind decides snakes are the best way to deal with a witness set to testify against him?

A Way to Start the Day

Past Me made a tiny little decision about six months ago that caught up to Present (then Future) Me today. I decided to schedule a dentist appointment at 7:00 in the morning.

First of all, I'm fairly certain I haven't woken up for anything that early in years. Maybe an airplane flight. I know the world is full of "morning people." I'm not one of them. 7:00 (earlier, when you consider setting the alarm and the morning routine) is damn early to me. But I think Past Me got conned by the hygienist last dentist appointment, who sweetly pointed out that a morning appointment wouldn't interfere with work, and is just convenient. Right?

Present Me didn't think so when the sun hadn't come up yet this morning, yet I'm heading off to go get my teeth scraped.

Secondly, I've moved since the last time I went to the dentist. I of course remembered too well my "sextupal dentectomy" from last year, so I knew my regular checkup was coming vaguely any time now. But I hadn't noted the day anywhere. And I hadn't received a reminder card in the mail.

But I did get a phone call yesterday afternoon at about 4:00-ish. "We're looking forward to seeing you at 7:00 in the morning tomorrow!" said the perky voice. So this was effectively short notice gum poking and teeth scraping. Extra fun.

The only upside was that the whole rest of my day could scarcely be anything but better after getting started that way.

Packet Up!

Do you know anybody who collects Taco Bell sauce packets, with all their various phrases? Well here (courtesy FKL) is a web site that one-ups all that, The Condiment Packet Gallery. Every time you click "reload," you'll get a random assortment of 100 (100!) different condiment packets.

Just the sort of time waster you've probably come to expect from me on an off day.

Scylla / Breaking and Entering

It's been a long time since the last new episode of Prison Break. If you recall, I said at the time that I wasn't sure if I truly wanted it to continue. It had left off in a decent enough place, and had long since reached the point where it was a near parody of itself. As much as I loved Prison Break in season one, did we really need more Prison Break?

The creators seem to have answered "no" to this question, because instead of giving us Prison Break season four tonight, they kicked off what appears to be Alias season one. It appears the show is now going to be about heists and capers, espionage missions, living a secret life, and trying to bring down SD-6 The Company. Hell, we even introduced a new tech mastermind to serve the group, a shadowy government agent to run and protect the operation, and a "base" -- complete with giant conference table -- from which to plan their missions.

But lest it sound like I'm down on all this, let me state clearly I feel quite the opposite. I don't expect this show is going to live up to the quality of those first two seasons of Alias, but I feel like I really could go for a show of that tone right now. If Prison Break can become that and still be true to the characters we've come to enjoy, I think I'm on board.

But oh... not so fast, Whistler. You're not invited to this grand series re-invention. I can't say I fully understand why the creators decided to off that character. It's not that I felt very attached to him, having only seen him in the truncated 13-episode season three. But I did find it interesting what a truly graphic death it was, for prime time television. You're not seeing brain matter exploding out the back of a head during "family hour" very often.

Of course, the reason for that is so we all understand he really is truly dead and not Dr. Sara Tancredi "dead." I thought of Soapdish a dozen times during tonight's two episodes, and that hilarious scene between Whoopi Goldberg and Robert Downey Jr. ("He doesn't have a head! How am I supposed to write for a guy that doesn't have a head?! He has no lips! No vocal cords!" "Guess what? You're a writer. You'll think of something.") I never really was a Michael-Sara "shipper," so I don't much care that that element of the show has been returned. But it is nice to have a female character in the mix. And not a truly dumb female character, like too many past Prison Break fixtures have been. (Remember Veronica? I wish I didn't.)

I can't say I'm suddenly feeling real excitement about Prison Break again. But I did find myself enjoying tonight more than I thought I would. We'll see if they're able to build on this bit of momentum in the weeks to come.

P.S. -- I bet the writer of the second hour sat at his computer screen for about five minutes going back and forth about the line "What, did you eat bad Mexican?" He must have been sitting there going: "Oh, it's such a horrible joke. I can't write that down. Oh, but it's so great, how can I not write it down?"